Posted: 2017-09-12 22:51:09
Edited: 2017-09-12 23:36:07
If you don't like reading essays then skip this post.
I wrote this many years ago and it may or may not give people a different perspective.. My perspective has changed a lot since then. As we as humans beings grow every day in different ways!
I did actually think of deleting it after I posted it, but maybe its time to just expose the emotions of a wg. Even us wg's feel, raw and real. And I might be over exposing myself but WTF? This is just a small part of who I am and why I am the way I am now.
So I had met Fingers on a weekly basis over a period of about 3 years, a bit younger than me but very mature. We clicked very well from the onset. He booked me almost weekly. I knew he was involved, so there was never any talk of it going any further than a client and working girl relationship. Even though from get go, I had felt a connection with him. There was something about him. A few years later, he had called me very upset one afternoon and asked if I could meet him that evening at a hotel. Unfortunately I had to cancel at the last minute and couldn't make it as I had just found out I needed emergency surgery to have a double partial mastectomy the next morning. At that point the emotional side of dealing with the surgery hadn't quiet kicked in. I was still in shock. I never told him why I had cancelled. Anyway a few weeks later he called and wanted to see me. I had always seen him at my place of work, and always during office hours, never at his home. This time he asked if I could meet him at his house for the appointment and if I could spare some extra time for a drink beforehand. He also requested that I wear stockings, stilettos and sexy underwear. I didn't often get all dressed up for clients, but sometimes I like doing it as it's a turn on for me, and makes me feel sexy. After a period of time we started seeing each other twice a week, he had invited me to his home, and cooked me dinner and I had spent some extra time with him over the booked appointment. 2 months into the regular visits. I called the next morning to say he had forgotten to pay me. He was devastated. He said he thought we had progressed and that what we shared was more than just a client and working girl relationship, it had become personal and emotional. I had started to have feelings for him, and hadn't said anything, because the golden rule is 'don't fall for a client' and it would be unprofessional. As a working girl you should never disclose your feelings for a client no matter how much you feel for him. It's crossing the line. I should have run there and then but I didn't. I told him I was open to a relationship. There was something very different about how I felt when I was with him. From that day we started spending a lot more time together. I invited him home for dinner to meet my children. Things were going well. He was so supportive of me. He never questioned my work, which men usually do when they date a working girl. They become insecure and I can't blame them. He did the opposite, he encouraged me to work. He would even come on my live chats and encourage clients to see me. I thought things were going so great. Then 4 months into the relationship I felt something wasn't right. I am usually quite intuitive and I could feel he was holding back on something. So I confronted him. He said he needed to tell me something and he didn't know how. Could I just give him a few days to figure it out? The first thing that went through my mind was "he's married. But it wasn't that! He kept reassuring me he wasn't married. It's started to get to me, what could be so bad that you couldn't just trust me enough to tell me. A week later we were sitting in the kitchen, having a whiskey while I was cooking dinner and he looked up at me, and I don't know why but I asked "Do you have a woman in your life that's pregnant with your child "I don't to this day know why I asked, it was just a random thought that popped into my head. He went white and said "How did you know? " I was speechless, poured a stiff drink and sat down trying to gather my thoughts. I asked how, who, when etc. all the usual questions I assume you would ask in this situation. He told me he had, had a one night stand the night I had cancelled meeting him. He reassured me that there was nothing between them. But he did feel responsible for the child as he didn't have children. He had grown up without a dad and he wasn't going to do that to his child. I totally understood and said that I would stand by him and support him. I couldn't have any more children; I didn't want to rob him of experiencing fatherhood. And I would welcome the baby into our home. And so we continued seeing each other every second night, talking about the new house together that he was building and planning a future. After being together for about 7 months, he came home one night after work, he asked me to meet him in the drive way. He said he didn't have time to stay long he had to get back to work. I remember walking down the driveway and it was raining a soft drizzle, the cool drops, gently falling and slowly running down my warm skin, caressing it. He grabbed me passionately and pulled me towards him, kissing me with a sense of urgent desire. He picked me up and put me on top of the car bonnet, undid his pants and slid his hand up my dress, and thrust himself inside me. Wantonly, taking me right there and then, not a word was said.... An awkward silence hung in the air. When he was done, he pulled up his pants and said I will call you later. Kissed me good bye got into his car and drove away into the darkness of the night. In that moment I knew I was never going to see him again. I knew he was lying. I was devastated, hurt and have never felt so used in my life. I knew that he knew before he got there that he had pre-planned this in his head. He had thought it through. As I stood alone in the driveway, the cold night air danced upon my skin intensified by the wet drizzling rain that had soaked into my skin. I shivered, shaking uncontrollably. I felt physically ill. How dare he know that he was leaving and then still make love to me???? I felt betrayed, and in that moment I felt like a whore! All these months he had played me. Lied to me and taken advantage of me! He was still with the mother of his child and all the talk of the house together. He had actually been building it for her and their new life! I was hurt and angry at myself for being so stupid. (Anguish, painful, distraught, played, agony, misery, torment, suffering, wretchedness, heartache, heart soreness, misfortune,
There is no Pretty Woman fairy-tale. Reality check! I am a working girl, a prostitute, a whore and men will only ever see that. I will never be respected and I will never be loved. I will forever be judged on the choices I made. I will never be taken seriously. I will always be seen as a piece of white trash because of being a working girl. And any man coming into my life would only exploit and take advantage of that. I was shattered, broken, the painful anguish of being emotionally bruised, battered, and weary. I had never thought or believed I could ever hurt so much. I had never thought that I would ever give up my power to protect myself from being hurt by a man again. I had trusted him and in so opened myself up to being vulnerable, and I had been used yet again. I mindlessly walked back into the house, completely broken. Fuck it! It was bad enough that I was struggling to deal with a huge lack of self-confidence since I had had both my breasts partially removed. I already felt less than whole as a woman. I fell into a crumpled piled and just lay crying, sobbing. Emotionally and mentally beating myself up for how stupid I had been. All my self-confidence thinking I was a strong independent woman was damaged that night. It took me a long time to even slightly recover from that experience; part of me has been cracked a little by the fact that I had allowed it. Seriously, me of all people, I should have known better. I see men do this every day when they come see me, and are blatantly unfaithful to their partners. There is no loyalty or truth in their commitment. What would make the way they treat me any different to the way they treat their partners. In fact they would probably treat me with even less respect because they don't see us, working girls as human beings with emotions and feelings. To them we are nothing more to them than the bottom feeders, scum grovelling at the bottom of the cesspool of humanity, there for them to use as they see fit for the period of time they paid for. I foolishly, blindly and stupidly had fallen for all of it, the grand illusion of love and intimacy and my faith and trust in men was now shattered. Don't know if you ever fully recover undamaged and whole again. Sadly it tainted my view of men even more for a long time. It made me see them as self-centred, selfish cowards who were only out to get laid. They prey on women who are emotionally vulnerable, and take advantage and abuse that. Using there charm and lies to bullshit their way into your heart. Its men like this that destroy and break women. And not just women that are in this industry, but all women. They don't realize the damage they do because they are all only thinking with their little head. Heartless, cold, calculated! I see this behaviour in men of all ages, it's almost as soon as the testosterone kicks in as a teenager they become emotionally disconnected and physical hunters. They never think of the emotional long term damage they create when having a one night stand etc. All common sense goes to the little head and all brain cells follow. I don't think men even have any idea of how they destroy, break, hurt and humiliate women. They in 30 seconds of sexual desire and need don't have a fucking clue how the woman feels after she has been used and abandoned! Shattered! And coming from where I have been its so much harder as I have lost me in all of this. Being a working girl makes you lose value in yourself, you actually believe you aren't worthy of love or being loved. You portray this image of being tough and strong, but deep down; you are emotionally weak, vulnerable and fragile. Scarred! Scared! You believe in the weirdest way that you are only good for one thing. And that becomes instilled in you. Try as you may to escape the emotional and mental situation..... There is that stigma and everlasting thought, permanently on the back burner... That you will never be enough? You will never be good enough and all you are is what you do for a living, you will forever be defined as a working girl, incapable of achieving anything more. All emotions or sense of being a normal worthy, deserving human being fade....... Into feeling worthless, hollow, empty. You program yourself into trying to not allow yourself to feel. You are seen as just a piece of gutter trash, unworthy and disposable. It's an awful state of mind! It's so hard to fight these feelings of self-loathing it when you are constantly criticized and put down on a public forum. But you become it! Dragging yourself out of that state of mind takes more out of you than becoming a working girl!
And then I have to wonder if it was so hard for me, with my thick skin from being in this industry and knowing what I was getting myself into. Then how friggin hard is it for a normal woman to recover and build herself esteem up again after going through this in a normal relationship. Because it happens every day to normal, beautiful, intelligent woman.
Love and Life are what happens when we are busy making other plans!
It finds you at the strangest of times, and at the weirdest intersections of your life when you least expect it, or when you are busy making other plans.
Arz