Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Buy her another beer.

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.

Q: How does a blond spell farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O

Q: How does a blond kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row

Q: Why are blondes like pianos?
A: When they aren't upright, they're grand.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.

Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.

Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
A1: 'All the blondes have gone home!'
A2: Has that blonde gone yet?
A3: When is that blond bitch going to leave!?

Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?
A: 'Next!'

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?
A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs.

Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: What is the difference between Elvis and smart blondes?
A: Elvis has been sighted.

Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
A: Some traffic signs say stop.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a shopping card?
A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: What do you call a blonde without an asshole?
A: Divorced.

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q. What do you call 12 blondes in a freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes.

Q. What did the blonde say to the doctor when she found out she was pregnant?
A. Is it mine?

Q. What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.

Q. What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
A. An interpreter.

Q. What do blondes & screen doors have in common?
A. The more you bang them the looser they get.

Q. Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A. They don't know the route.

Q. How do you get a twinkle in a blondes eyes?
A. Put a flashlight in her ear.

Q. What do blondes & computers have in common?
A. You never appreciate either one until they go down on you.

Q. Why do blondes use whiteout on their computer screen?
A. They couldn't find an eraser.

Q. How did the blonde break her leg playing hocky with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
A. She fell out of a tree.

Q. What do blondes & turtles have in common?
A. Put them on their backs & their both screwed.

Q. What's the mating call of a blonde?
A. I' getting so drunk.

Q. How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
A. 8-- 1 to bake them & 7 to peel the M&M's.

Q. Why do blondes get tilt steering?
A. It give them more head room.

Q. What do blondes say after sex?
A. Who are you guys?

Monday: Now home from our honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, 'beat 12 eggs separately.' Well, I only had four bowls, so I had to borrow eight more from the neighbors to beat the eggs in, but the cake turned out fine!

Tuesday: I thought I'd surprise Bill with a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said 'serve without dressing'. Bill happened to bring a friend home for supper, and did they ever look surprised when I served that salad!

Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, 'wash thoroughly before steaming the rice'. So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday: Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, 'prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.' I went next door to my Mom's garden and tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bill came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?

Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, 'put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it.' Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday: Bill went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for dinner. I sure don't know how chickens dress for dinner, but I found an old scarf and made a cute little pair of pants for it! I thought it looked darling! When Bill saw it he made a funny strangling sound and then counted very slowly to 10!

Sunday: Today Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the fridge was hamburger. So I put the hamburger in my new oven and set the control for 'roast'. The oven must not be working right because it still came out hamburger!

Monday: I was going to bake bread today. The recipe said, 'mix well and knead well. Then stand in a warm place until double in bulk.' I just won't bake bread if I have to double in bulk!

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said ,'If you fix our car we will do anything you want.'
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, 'How could we ever repay you Mr.'
After thinking for a short while he replied,'Could you hold my camel?'

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. 'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the dollar for?'
'Well,' she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.'
He said, 'Fuck him, give him a dollar.'
The lady then said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

'There might be some matches in the top drawer,' she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

'Is this your husband?' he inquired nervously.

'No, silly,' she replied, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend then?' he asked.

'No, not at all,' she said, nibbling away at his ear.

'Well, who is he then?' demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, 'That's me before the operation.'

In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay.

The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, 'Stop being a scrote.'

With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, 'What is a scrote?'

Without missing a beat the lady responded, 'Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole.'

I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.

I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.

If you would do this for me no one would ever know.

I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would.

I am very desperate and I need your help.

You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry.

I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so..

Do you have a piece of gum?

The Bunny and the Snake

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny
and an orphaned snake. By coincidence both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest and tripped over the snake
and fell down.

'Oh, my,' said the bunny, 'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.
I've been blind since birth and can't see where I'm going. In fact, since
I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.'
'That's ok,' replied the snake. 'Actually, I too, have been blind since
birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither
all over you, and figure out what you are so you'll know.
'That would be wonderful' replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered
with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a
soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.'
'Oh, thank you, thank you,' cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my
paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me.'
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're smooth and
slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.
I'd say you must be a team leader, a supervisor or possibly someone in
senior management