Q: How do you wake up Lady Gaga in the morning?



A: Poke her face!!!!!!!!!!

Ai die kleurlinge

A Coloured guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his
house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced
his wife, lost his children, lost his job.He notices a crate of beer
bottles and walks up to it. He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it
into the concrete wall swearing, 'You are the reason I don't have a
wife', second bottle, 'You are the reason I don't have my children',
third bottle, 'You are the reason I lost my job'. He notices the
fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle,
puts it aside and says, 'Stand one side my broer, I know you were not
involved'.

EINA
A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down, and his fly wide open. His secretary walked up to him and said, 'Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your Garage door?'


This was not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up. He zipped it up and remembering what his secretary had told him, Finally understood.
He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee From his secretary. When he reached her desk, he said, 'When you saw the Garage door open did you see my HUMMER parked in there?'

The secretary smiled for a moment and said, No, Boss I didn't. All I saw was a Mini Cooper with 2 flat tires.'

She got fired!

'Circumcised'.....This is priceless!!

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said.
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school.

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,' --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.' --Mariah Carey ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,' --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,' --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,' --A congressional candidate in Texas . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.' --Al Gore, Vice President ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


'I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.'
-- Dan Quayle ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?' --Lee Iacocca ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,





'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.' --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.' --Keppel Enderbery ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will mon itor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.' --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Feeling smarter yet?

Revenue Canada Auditor
Revenue Canada sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, 'I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.'

'Yes,' answered the Rabbi.

'Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?' he asked.

'A good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...

'Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi calmly, 'we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?'

'Yes, here too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. ?'What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to Revenue Canada .'

'To Revenue Canada ?' questioned the auditor in disbelief.

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, 'directly to Revenue Canada ...And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.'

A Lawyer and a Chaar ou happen to be sitting next to each other on a
>> flight from London to J'burg. The lawyer leans over to him and asks
>> if he would like to play a fun game. Chaar ou is tired and just wants
>> to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window
>> to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is
>> really easy and a lot of fun.
>> He explains how the game works. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't
>> know
>>
>> the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa.' Again, the Chaar ou politely
>> declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures that since
>> his opponent is a poor Chaar ou he (lawyer) will easily win this
>> game, so he makes another offer. 'Ok, how about this. If you don't
>> know the answer you pay me only 5 pounds, but if I don't know the
>> answer, I will pay you 500 pounds.' The streetwise Chaar ou wakes up
>> at the mention of such a figure so he agreed to play the game. The
>> lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth
>> to the moon?' The Chaar ou doesn't say a word, instead he reaches
>> into his wallet, pulls out a five pound note, and hands it to the
>> lawyer. Now, it's the Chaar ou's turn. He asks the lawyer: 'What goes
>> up a hill with
>>
>> three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer looks at him with a
>> puzzled look. He takes out his laptop and searches all his
>> references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches
>> the Internet and even
>>
>> the Library of Congress. Frustrated he sends quick e-mails to all his
>> co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After an hour of
>> searching
>>
>> for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the snoring Chaar ou and
>> hands him 500 pounds, who takes the money and turns away to get back
>> to sleep. The
>>
>> lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, and is going nuts
>> trying to figure it out, is more than a little frustrated! He wakes
>> the Chaar ou again and asks . . 'Well, so what goes up a hill with
>> three legs and comes down with four?' The Chaar ou reaches into his
>> wallet, hands the lawyer 5 pounds and goes back to sleep with a smile
>> on his face
>>
>> YOU CANT BEAT A CHAAR OU