I guess I only have myself to blame! (It is ABSOLUTELY fuckin Wee Willies fault!)

Last night I indulged in a punt that was so poor and so rotten, so diabolical and so absurd... that if I had not seen the humorous side of it, I would be too embarrassed to admit that I actually went through with it!

I was feeling horny, so I logged onto the local site... only to find that most of my favorite girls have disappeared for the season. Zulu Princess has moved to Durbs! Foxy Lady, Muffin Girl, Ebony n Ivory and Moonlight Girl have all vanished, and Lingerie Girl has emigrated to a new branch of Pep Stores. Coco Girl is on holiday in the E Cape (Fuuurk I adore that girl!) and Serendipity and Enchanting Golden Angel are too far away for a quick visit. Blue Girl and Reign Girl are still available, but mmm... I’m looking for some NEW punda!!!

So whats this? A fairly new profile... Talented Doll!!! The splurge reads "A voluptuous fair Zulu doll for all your fantasies and kinks - very talented"
Mmm... I could do with some BBW Zulu talent... so I make the booking!!

Talented Doll greets us in a sparkly skin-tight dress! For a BBW her body is not too bad at all, large certainly not obese, with heavy well shaped breasts and portly nipples, wide hips and chubby but shapely butt, arms and legs. Big belly. And only about HALF as massive as Purple Woman who I ran into just last week! (Purple Woman has so many rolls and wrinkles that she makes one of those Chinese Shar Pei dogs look like a sleek pedigreed greyhound!)

I can get lost in a Talented BBDoll's woman body. And I certainly enjoy this body form from time to time!

But THIS BBW is not a happy lady! Sour expression and worn haggard face, tepid smile, and very brisk and businesslike! I'm inclined to give the whole punt a miss, but Wee Willy is screeching for release... so I take a deep breath and follow her into the room!

She takes the cash, strips off her panties, peels off the dress... a large blob of blue lube is squeezed from a shimmering purple bottle and spaded liberally into the bath tub between her legs... and heads for the bed! She rolls onto it, wriggles her hips to get comfortable... lying on her back with her large swollen thighs splayed wide, her mountainous breasts resting on her lower belly, her black straw wig slightly askew... and she screws her eyes tight shut!

WTF?

So what now?

I look at her!

One minute!

Two minutes!

But she just lies there!!! Perhaps something has happened? Has she fainted?

I cautiously sit on the bed, Wee Willy peering up owlishly from between my thighs... and carefully prod her in her well padded ribs with my fingertip!

Nothing!

Prod again!

Again nothing! No movement, no sound... save for the sagging lackadaisical ceiling fan slowly masturbating the soggy limp air!

Nothing at all!

Prod again...

One minute!

Two minutes!

Nothing! Zero zilch fuckall!

I squeeze a large gelatinous nipple...

Again nothing!

I put my ear to a large tit... nothing... Wait... a distant thump... but maybe it’s the sound of the fan echoing from slope to slope in the ravine between her huge breasts?

Fuck... maybe she's DEAD!!!

Hello? No answer!

Helloooo? Nothing!

Prod!!!

Zilch!

Wee Willy and I look at each other in bewilderment... and I leave the decision to him... there is a wicked glint in his eye... he has never attempted Necrophilia before... and after all WE HAVE BLERRY PAID!!!

So we mount her inert body, Wee Willy inserts himself into her well moussed love hole, and I sip a soggy nipple seductively into my mouth!

Nothing!

Absolutely fucking nothing!!!

Wee Willy starts thrusting, slowly at first, erotic and deep, doing his best porn star impersonation... and then faster and harder and fucking and long!!

Nothing!! Absolutely sweet blow all... but for a bit of wobbling adipose and some movement of the tits as they slip sideways and deflate against her thick arms!

Absolutely NO response! Not a whimper, not a sigh, not a fart!! Not even the hiss of escaping septic gasses!

Wee and I build to a thrusting pumping philharmonic crescendo, sweat flying from my brow, my arms stretched wide around the dull lifeless body, and my breathing coming in ragged gasps!

Wee Willy and I explode together!!!

We dismount, sweating, panting, heart beating hard... completely sated!

And we look down at Talented Doll...

STILL FUCKING NOTHING!!

Fuck... WHAT NOW!!!!!

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRing!!!! Loud screeching banshee blast of sound shatters the silent room!

Fuuuuuuk ...Wee Willy and I almost CRAP ourselves!!!!

IT'S HER FUCKING PHONE SCREAMING LIKE A FIRE SIREN!!!

And then it happens!!! The huge bloated corpse on the bed erupts into life!!! Leaps to the floor and snatches up the phone... "Hi hun, I provide a passionate and unrushed girlfriend experience, and my rates are R*** ... I will be ready for you in seven minutes!!!"

Wee Willy and I are aghast!! We FLEE!!!!



Okay okay it wasn't quite as bad as I have just depicted above! IT WAS ACTUALLY FAR WORSE!!!!

So now Wee Willy and I have made a New Year’s resolution between the two of us... absolutely NO kak punts in 2014!!! We will be selective, choosey and discerning! If the punt does not feel right... we WILL NOT go through with it!!!!!

Wait a second... I’m sure we made the same resolution this time last year!!!!

(Did you hear the one about the two earthworms in the graveyard making love in dead earnest?)

I'll be ready for you in 7minutes!! Classic.... somebody lower my coffin #dead with laughter

“save for the sagging lackadaisical ceiling fan slowly masturbating the soggy limp air”. I so WISH I could come up with sentences like that.

As for the rest, the tears in my eyes made it quite hard to read.

If Wee Willy’s antics came with a Facebook Like button, they would go viral in about 10 minutes.

WW THAT IS A CLASSIC !!!!! LOL ... Been there done that got the T-Shirt :)

Freaking freakity hell, Willy Wonka!! I'm riddled with flu but rolling with laughter here. LMAO. My favorite line is "her mountainous breasts resting on her lower belly, her black straw wig slightly askew".

Have you thought of publishing these escapades of yours? Willy Wonka Diaries? We will catch up later, doll.

Voluminous folds like a Shar Pei ?
'Struth! There is no accounting for taste.....

Ben, read this - www.esa.co.za/forum/thread.php

It is hysterically funny, and you will find that Purple Woman was not entirely to WW’s taste.

Indeed it puts it into context.

The unwritten rules of good taste have not been violated.
Mr WHITEWHITE , I shall discharge your mittimus.

Ben, how do you know his mittimus needs discharging? Maybe it already has a discharge! In fact, judging by his numerous adventures, I should have thought it was quite likely.

It seems many consider his florid prose,which he dishes out with indefatigable diligence,amusing.
He has every right to indulge in the honest pride which derives from this humourous way of writing.