Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!'
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

Don't cheat, If you are honest, this tells the truth. It's pretty good. Write your answers on a piece of paper, and NO cheating!! The answers are at the bottom.


1. Which is your favorite color out of: red , black , blue , green , or yellow ?

2. Your first initial?

3. Your month of birth?

4. Which color do you like more, black or white?

5. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.

6. Your favorite number?

7. Do you like Flying or Driving more?

8. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?

9. Write down a wish (a realistic one).


When you're done, scroll down. (Don't cheat!)




















Answers

1. If you choose:
Red - You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black - You are conservative and aggressive.
Green - Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.
Blue - You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love.
Yellow - You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.

2. If your initial is:
A-K You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R You try to enjoy your life to the maximum &your love life is soon to blossom.
S-Z You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.

3. If you were born in:
Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
April-June: You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever.
July-Sep: You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good.
Oct-Dec: Your love life will not be great, but eventually you will find your soul mate.

4. If you chose:
Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.
White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.

5. This person is your best friend.

6. This is how many close friends you have in your lifetime.

7. If you chose:
Flying : You like adventure.
Driving: You are a laid back person.

8.. If you chose:
Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.

9. This wish will come true only if you send this to five people in one hour. Send it to ten people, and it will come true before your next birthday.

Most Dumbest Blonde Joke Ever



A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when
she accidentally cut off a large truck. The driver was outraged and was eventually able
to make her pull over.
He got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He
drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde in
his most threatening voice, 'Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!'
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, 'Oh
you think that's funny? Watch this!'
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her
car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
Now he's getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all
her tires.
Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his
truck and gets an extra can of diesel fuel, pours it on her car and sets it on
fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
'What's so funny?' the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, 'Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the
circle!'

Most Dumbest Blonde Joke Ever



A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when
she accidentally cut off a large truck. The driver was outraged and was eventually able
to make her pull over.
He got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He
drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde in
his most threatening voice, 'Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!'
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, 'Oh
you think that's funny? Watch this!'
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her
car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
Now he's getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all
her tires.
Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his
truck and gets an extra can of diesel fuel, pours it on her car and sets it on
fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
'What's so funny?' the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, 'Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the
circle!'

Don't lie to kids


What an experience!

There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach. Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he covers his private parts with a newspaper.

The little girl says, 'What's under there?'
So the man answers, 'A bird.'
The girl goes away and the man falls asleep. When he wakes up, he is in a hospital and in great pain.

A doctor comes up to his bed and asks, 'What happened?'
The man answers, 'I don't know. I was at the beach and I fell asleep after talking to a little girl.'
So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to the beach to find any witnesses.

When they get there, they see the little girl the man was talking about.
So they ask her if she did anything to the man.

She answers, ' I didn't do anything to the man, but while he was sleeping, I played with his bird. After a while, it spit at me, so I broke its neck, burned its nest, and smashed all its eggs.

Moms in Group Therapy.....



A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy.

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too
shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy
by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's
talking about. Let's go pick up Willy and Randy from school and go get dinner.

Vrystaat!


'n Omie kom op 'n Vrystaatse plaas aangery. Hy klop aan die deur en kleinboet maak oop. 'More, boetie. Is jou pa hier?' 'Nee, oom. Hy en ma is dorp toe' 'Is jou ouboet Klasie dalk hier?' 'Nee, oom. Hy is op kosskool. Hy kom eers weer volgende naweek huis toe, maar kan ek oom dalk help?' 'Nee, man. Om die waarheid te sê, ek wil dringend met jou ouers praat. Jou broer Klasie het my dogter Johannna swanger gemaak.'
'Gits, oom, ek weet nie so mooi wat om vir oom te sê nie.
Ek weet my pa vra R1 000 per dek vir die stoetbul en R500 vir die stoetram, maar ek weet regtig nie hoeveel hy oom vir Klasie gaan vra nie.'

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good
trip.
The wife answers : 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for
you?'
The husband laughs and says: 'An Italian girl !!!'
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: 'So, honey, how
was the trip?'
'Very good, thank you.'
'And, what happened to my present?'
'Which present?' She asked.
'The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!'
'Oh, that' she said
'Well, I did what I could, now we just have to wait for 9 months to see if
it is a boy or a girl !!!'

Moral of the story: Don't tempt a woman, they are dangerously
intelligent!

Where did u come across that test.. do u have more?
Brialliant, a little scary how close it is to the truth..

New Words for 2009



* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and leaves.

* SALMON DAY..
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)


* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. You've hit 'reply to all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.


* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra i.e. Extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks