1. Men are like
Laxatives
They irritate the crap out of you.

2
Men are like.
Bananas
The older they get, the less firm they are.




3. Men are like
Weather
Nothing can be done to change
them.




4.
Men are like
Blenders
You need One, but you're not quite sure why..




5.
Men are like
Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right
for your hips.


6. Men are like
Commercials
You can't believe a word they say.


7.
Men are like
Department Stores
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!



8.
Men are like
Government Bonds
.... They take soooooooo long to mature.







9.
Men are like
Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.



10.
Men are like
Popcorn
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.


11.
Men are like
Snowstorms
You never know when they're coming, how many
inches you'll get or how long it will last.


12.
Men are like
Lava Lamps
Fun to look at, but not very bright.



13..
Men are like
Parking Spots
All the good ones are taken, the rest are
handicapped.

Hey, that's mean, we're not all that bad!

Here's another one for you guys out there in the forum. (It's good that we're not talking about anything useful isnt' it? It kind of gets us all together!)

One woman stops a taxi.
- To the airport, please.
After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says:
- You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today.
- Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant.
- Well, you haven’t arrived to the airport yet!

Lol... There is alota 'jokes' that puts women down... Im just trying to even up the score ;-)

WHY DO WOMEN WEAR PANTIES..??
BY LAW:
ACCORDING TO THE MUNICIPALITY, A MAN-HOLE MUST BE COVERED WHEN NOT IN USE...

WOMAN'S DIARY
13 December 2009 Sunday
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.
I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late
meeting him, thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere
quieter to talk.
He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went
somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and
didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I
just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, He
hesitated but followed.
I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned
the television on.
After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to
bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply, He
just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.



He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my
surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.
I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's
found someone else.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
MAN'S DIARY:



Sunday 13 December



Liverpool lost again.
Gutted.
Got a pomp though.

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION!!!


The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.


And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to
drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

hotstuff, that is a fantastic joke! I love it, where are you getting these from?

Here's another one i found. I swear this forum will turn into the Escort and Jokes South Africa Forum!

While making love, he says:
- Darling, let's do 68!
- 68??? What's that?
- You do it to me and I'll owe you one.


Pinocchio talks to Gepetto:
- Daddy my dick is all jagged and crooked so I have no success with girls.
- You know, my son, I didn’t care too much about that detail, but that should not be a problem. Go to the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it.
After some time, Gepetto asks Pinocchio:
- Well, did you resolve the problem with the girls?
- Daddy, since I got the sandpaper who needs the girls anymore.

Calories Burned During Sex
Calories Burned During Sex:


REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent.................................12 Calories
Without her consent...........................2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands.................................. 8 Calories
With one hand....................................12 Calories
With your teeth.................................485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection..................................6 Calories
Without an erection...........................3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary...................................12 Calories
69 lying down...............................78 Calories
69 standing up..............................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow................................216 Calories
Doggy Style..................................326 Calories
Italian chandelier..........................2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real........................................112 Calories
Fake..........................................1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging.............................18 Calories
Getting up immediately.........................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years......................................36 Calories
30-39 years......................................80 Calories
40-49 years.....................................124 Calories
50-59 years...................................1,972 Calories
60-69 years...................................7,916 Calories *****
70 and over........................Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS
Calmly..........................................32 Calories
In a hurry.......................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door..........5,218 Calories
With her husband knocking at the door......8,775 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories

Results may vary.

Little Johnny goes hunting!

Little Johnny was walking down the sidewalk one day and an old man was sitting on his front porch rocking back and forth in his rocking chair.

The old man said, Whatcha got there son?

Johnny said, Got me some chicken wire.

Whatcha gonna do with that chicken wire son? asked the old man.

Gonna catch me some chickens! said Johnny.

You cant catch chickens with chicken wire! said the oldster. Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and walked on down the street.

About a half hour later Johnny came back passing the old mans front porch . . . with 3 chickens entangled in the chicken wire! The old man was shocked and couldnt believe his eyes.

About a half hour later, Johnny was again walking past the old mans porch. Whatcha got now son?

Got me some duct tape.

And whatcha gonna do with that duct tape? the old man asked.

Gonna catch me some ducks!

You cant catch ducks with duct tape! said the old man. Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and kept on walking.

About a half hour later, back comes Johnny with 3 ducks tangled in the duct tape. Again, the old man rubbed his eyes in disbelief.

About a half hour later, Johnny again was passing the porch.

Whatcha got now son? asked the old man.

Johnny said, Got me some pussy willow.

The old man said, WAIT RIGHT THERE WHILE I GET MY SHOES!

The Obedient Wife


There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money,

And was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife... 'When I die, I want you to

take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my

money to the afterlife with me. '

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that

when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there -

dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they

finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to

close the casket, the wife said,

'Wait just a moment!'

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put

it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they

rolled it away.

So her friend said,

'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in

there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied,

'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him

that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife.

'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque....

If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'