*A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and
** ** asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He
advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying
frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and
proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour. *
*Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to
the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New
Orleans, please raise your hand?'
Not one hand went up ... so she took the crabs home and ate them.
**
**Two lessons here**:

*1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think

Jim, Dave and Eric die and arrive at the gate, St Paul explains to them:

'Heaven is a very big place and you need a car to get around. The car you
get depends solely on how faithfull you were to your spouse while you were
alive'
Jim was married for 15 years and cheated on his wife 3 times so he got a
city golf.
Dave was married 20 years and cheated on his wife 1nce so he got a BMW.
Eric was married for 50 years and never cheated on his wife so he got a
Rolls Royce.
Jim and Dave were very envious of Eric!
A couple of months later Jim and Dave see Eric sitting on the pavement
crying...
Dave asks: 'What's wrong buddy?'
Eric replies: 'I just saw my wife'
Jim asks: 'So? why are you crying?'
Eric says: 'She was on a skateboard!'

The plumber was fixing a toilet at a client’s house while the client’s little boy was interestingly watching what he was doing. As the plumber took out a wrench, the little boy asked him what it was, replying that it is a wrench, on which the boy replies “ oh, my dad has two of those”.

Taking out the shifting spanner, the boy again enquires what it is. The plumber replies that it is a shifting spanner. Once again the boy indicates that his dad has two of them. So it continued until the job was done when the plumber decided to take a pee before he signs off the job.

As he stood there taking a pee, the little boy took a peep to see what the plumber was doing. The plumber looked at the boy and sarcastically smiled at the boy and asked him whether his dad has two of these, shaking his penis.

To his amazement, the boy says “Yes, my dad has two of those too. A small one he uses to pee with and a big one he uses to brush the domestic servant’s teeth with”

Your Yearly Dementia Test



It's that time of year to take our annual test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.

As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't

use it, you lose it!

Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.

The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made

your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.









1. What do you put in a toaster?











Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else.

Try not to hurt yourself.

If you said, bread, go to Question 2.













2. Say ' silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?















Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question.

Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat.

Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as

Womans Weekly.

However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.











3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made

from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black

house is made from black bricks,

what is a green house made from?











Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,'

why are you still reading these???If you said 'glass,' go on to

Question 4.









4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany

(If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into

West Germany and East Germany .)

Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that

the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing

procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the

plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between

East Germany and West Germany .

Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or

no man's land'?











Answer: You don't bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you're a

dunce and you must stop.

If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.



















5. Without using a calculator.

You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales ...

In London , 17 people get on the bus.

In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on.

In Swindon , two people get off and four g et on.

In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.

In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on ......

In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at

Milford Haven.

What was the name of the bus driver?





























Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

Ooopsie woooopsie.... Double post

*Same Sex marriage**
**
**Fred and Larry got married in California . *
* They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's
house for their first married night together.**
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his
breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred
and Larry are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to
school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to
school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I
think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'*

Dear Alcohol we need to talk,



I thought I'd take a minute to discuss some troubling factors with you.

First and foremost, let me tell you that I am a huge fan of yours. Yes,

my friend you always seem to be there when needed: Hidden inside

chocolates you warm us up when we are stuck in the midst of endless

family gathering.



Yet lately, I've been wondering about your intentions.



You see, I want to believe that you have my best interest at heart but I

feel that your influence has led me to unwise consequences, briefed

below for your review:







1. Phone calls: While I agree that communication is

important, I question the fact that any conversation of substance could

occur at 3amin the morning. Why would you make me call my ex

boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear

from me?



2. Eating: Now you know I love a good meal and though

cooking is not my speciality, why do you suggest that I eat grilled

steak with chilli sauce, 2 minute noodles, stale simba chips and drink

nesquik with a kit Kat in my hand is beyond me. I think sometimes you go

a bit too far.



3. Clumsiness: Unless you are trying to tell me that I don't

have any balance, is it necessary to make me fall down the stairs and

cause those black and blue marks that I get the next day. Similarly, It

should not take me 45minutes to get the key into the lock of my front

door.







Further more these hangovers that you cause need to stop. I'll do my

part, drink water, and take panado & grandpa before I go to sleep but

please do your part and don't let your hangover interfere with my daily

activities. Especially on Mondays.







Alcohol I have enjoyed our relationship for some years now and want to

make sure that we remain on good terms. You have been my much needed

companion when I don't know what to do with the extra money in my

pocket. In order to continue our relationship you must carefully

consider my above mentioned grievances and address them immediately. I

will look for an answer no later than Thursday 5pm(PRE HAPPY HOUR) on

your possible solutions and hopefully we will continue our fruitful

partnership.







Ps. I found my phone LOL







Hahaha.. one more thing that needs to be added onf the agenda dear

alcohol:



Plz stop turning ugly ducklings into beautiful swans @ clubs & parties,

coz I end up taking them home ... then the following morning, when I'm

sobered up.. I find a scary beast snoring in my bed... kindly look into

that matter as well dear alcohol..



Urprompt response is appreciated in advance,



Regards,

Urbiggest fan

Lol i agree with that 100 percent

Lol u alkie!


A guy's FANTACY...

*Once upon a time, *

*A guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl
said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode
motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and
drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the
toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.*

*The end*

1 : If you and i were squirrels, could i bust a nut in your hole
2 : I`d like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feedbag
3 : i was about to go masturbate and needed a name to go with your face
4 : ROSES ARE RED VIOLETS ARE BLUE, I LOVE SPAGHETTI,.................. LETS GO FUCK
5 : is that a keg in your pants coz i`d love to tap that ass
6 : Could i touch your belly button............ from the inside
7 : fuck me if i`m wrong, but is your name yolander
8 : i love every bone inside your body... especially mine
9 : hey baby what`s your sign, CUTION, SLIPPERY WHEN WET. DANGEROUS CURVES AHEAD, YIELD ?
10: OH I`M SORRY I THOUGHT THAT WAS A BRAILLE NAME TAG

XXX Tanya