Hahaha . . .Nice ones @Tanzalee

Thank you bubu :D

Anytime girrrrrrrl ;-*


New Employment Rules


SICKDAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you
are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all
your organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

HOLIDAYS
Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year. They are called Saturday
and Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends or relatives. Every effort should be made to have non-employees to
attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is
necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will
be glad to allow you to work through your lunch-hour and subsequently leave
one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
notice to allow time for you to train your own replacement.

TOILET USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we will
follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance: All
employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees
whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on. If you are
unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the
next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may
swap their time with a co-worker. Both workers' supervisors must approve
this exchange in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At
the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract,
and the door will open...

LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so they can
look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain their
average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the
time needed to drink a Slimfast and take a diet pill.

DRESS CODE
It is advised that you must come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing designer clothing we will assume that you are doing
well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be
directed elsewhere.

Have a nice day !

Human Resources......

PS ' please charge the time spent reading this email to ANNUAL LEAVE. '

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometres since
the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee , read free paper.
3) 15 minutes later, swipe the Visa and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle. *
Money spent:*
Oil Change: $40.00
Coffee: $2.00
Total: $42.00



Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, swipe the Visa for
$50.00.
2) Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a case of beer, swipe the Visa for $40,
drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under caravan.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 19 mm ring spanner.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
Curse and swear.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty
litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and
twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly, hide old oil filter among rubbish in
rubbish bin to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket
surface.
18) Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty
litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag
used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain
plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles
and frame.
25) Begin swearing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Swear for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh litres of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any
missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car is impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
Driving Under Influence fine: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $40.00
Total: $4,185.00
But you know the job was done right!
SEND THIS TO WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH .. . .. .. AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN
HANDLE IT.

--

Van was on holiday in Durbs. One day he heard from his friends
that there was a fancy dress ball, and he could go.

The dress theme was to symbolize a country. Unsure what to do, he hid
in
a bush outside the hall and watched what was going on.

A woman arrived scantily dressed in a few feathers. When the doorman
asked what country she was she said ' Turkey ', so he said, 'Feathers,
Turkey, OK you can go in'.

Another beautiful and shapely woman arrived clad only in a 'G' string,
Her body smeared with oil. She said she was Iran. “Oil, Iran ' OK go
in.

So then Van sauntered up to the door naked except for a brown paper
packet placed over his manhood and said he was from Pakistan

The doorman could not understand and asked Van to explain:

'Bring daardie twee meisies uit, dan sal jy sien hoe hierdie pakkie
staan!!!'

WHAT IF OTHER COMPANIES BESIDES DUREX MADE CONDOMS????

PANASONIC CONDOMS
Quest for zero defect

NIKE CONDOMS
Just do it

TOYOTA CONDOMS
Oh, What a feeling

EVEREADY CONDOMS
Keep on going and going and going

PRINGLE CONDOMS
Once you pop, you can't stop

NISSAN CONDOMS
Life's a journey, enjoy the ride

STANDARD BANK CONDOMS
With us you can go so much further

YOKOHAMA CONDOMS
Serious rubber

FIRST NATIONAL BANK CONDOMS
We'll never be too big

CGS CONDOMS
Because only balls should bounce

DOMESTOS CONDOMS
Kills all known sperms dead! hahahaahah

PANADO CONDOMS
The GP's choice

BENSON AND HEDGES CONDOMS
Share the feeling

SEIKO KINETIC CONDOMS
Someday all condoms will be made this way

CREMORA CONDOMS
If it's not on top then it's inside

KELLOGS CONDOMS
Guess who got it all last night

CONTINENTAL CONDOMS
German engineering where you need it most

CASTLE LAGER CONDOMS
The condom that stood the test of time

VODACOM CONDOMS
Yebo Gogo

OLD MUTUAL CONDOMS
It all begins with a plan

CAL-C-VITA CONDOMS
The Protector

MTN CONDOMS
The better connection


SANTAM CONDOMS
Covering South Africa

NBS CONDOMS
Yes, Yes, Yes

SASOL CONDOMS
Reaching new frontiers

DURACELL CONDOMS
It can last you up to 6 times longer

Don't mess with Koos!

Koos went hunting one day and shot two Impala.

He loaded them onto the back of his bakkie and was driving home when stopped by a Game Warden who did not like hunters.

The warden ordered Koos to show him his hunting licence, which was duly produced.

Then the warden lifted the covers off the bakkie and stuck his nose into one of the buck’s asses.

”Haaikona this is not a local Impala . This one is from the Free State and you need a Free State licence to kill it. Do you have one?”

Koos opened the cubby-hole and produced one.

Not happy the warden sniffed the anus of the other animal and gleefully shouted:

”This one is from Lesotho. Do you have a Lesotho licence?”

The hunter went back to his cubby and produced a Lesotho licence.

The warden was very agitated and shouted: ”Where the hell are you from?”

Koos smiled, turned around, dropped his pants to his ankles, bent forward and said:

”You tell me... You're the expert

Rolls Royce





Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist! (true story)

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all traveling at maximum velocity

to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to America.
When it was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken
hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to
smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the driver's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce pictures of the disastrous results of the
experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

'Defrost the chicken.' you idiots

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from Durban , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Johannesburg , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Bloem, says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Pretoria chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Cape Town shut them all up when he observed:

'You're all wrong. ANC Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.'

Most cricketers, who are not comfortable conversing in English, go and prepare for some standard questions that are asked to them when commentators chat with them during the awards ceremony. Inzamam was once asked a different question after Pakistan won the match, for which he was not prepared. He always used his standard response to the first question after winning

But this time.....

After Winning the Match

Tony Greg :

So Inzi, that's fantastic, your wife is pregnant for the second time and u must be happy!

Inzamam :

Thanks Tony…!

All credit goes to the boys.

Everyone work hard for it,

especially Afridi.

It was tight situation when he went in.

Also Bob Woolmer was keeping close watch

on progress and giving instructions.

It's all a terrific team effort.

Insha Allah, we all will work together as a team, put in big effort and deliver good result

all the time and will be able to

REPEAT the same result.


Tony fainted!!!!!!