???? Who me??? Wow i can't remember saying that. . .It was probably my twin

IF YOU WITHHOLD YOUR SALARY FROM YOUR WIFE


A Punjabi lawyer working abroad wrote to his wife...

DEAR Sumitra Darling,

I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis
has affected my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses. You
are my sweetheart, please adjust.
Your loving husband,
JITA SINGH

His wife replied...

TINKU KE PAPPA ,

Thanks for the 100 kisses, below is the list of expenses I paid with
the Kisses...:

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.
3. Your landlord Balkar Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses
instead of the monthly rent.
4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only, so I
gave him other items, I hope you understand..
5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.

Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I
hope I can survive the month using this balance...Shall I plan the
same for the next month?
Your Sweet Heart,
Kichi

WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM


A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him
a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a
pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
puffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has
lost 5kg as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day
there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing
nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that
reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in
excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually
getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the
7-day/25kg program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our
most rigorous program.' 'Absolutely, ' he replies,
'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he
finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink
running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch
you, you are mine.'
He lost 33 kilos that week.

tripping.

There was a small town where people were so adulterous that the local priest was getting tired of hearing confessions about adultery. One Sunday in church, he suggested that whenever they make a confession about sleeping with somebody else either than their spouses, they should say that they
tripped. This worked fine until he was transferred to another town the following year..


His successor did not know anything about this arrangement and naturally, these confessions were confusing. He then decided to see the mayor and the following discussion ensued:
Priest: Morning Mr Mayor
Mayor: Morning Father
Priest: I've been meaning to talk to you about the pavements in your town
Mayor : Why?
Priest: Hardly a day passes without someone confessing about tripping which frankly I find odd.

On realising that the priest does not know the context of the confession, the mayor laughed out loudly. The priest looked at him and said 'You are laughing, your wife tripped twice this week'.

The truth about working in your company

1. You work weird (night) shifts...
Just like prostitutes.

2. They pay you to make the client happy...
Just like a prostitute.

3. The client pays a lot of money, but your employer keeps almost every
penny...
Just like a prostitute.

4. You are rewarded for fulfilling the client's dreams...
Just like a prostitute.

5. Your friendships fall apart and you end up hanging out with people in
the same profession as you...
Just like a prostitute.

6. When you have to meet the client you always have to be perfectly
groomed...
Just like a prostitute.

7. But when you go back home it seems like you are coming back from hell...
Just like a prostitute.

8. The client always wants to pay less but expects incredible things from
you...
Just like a prostitute.

9. When people ask you about your job, you have difficulties to explain
it...
Just like a prostitute.

10. Everyday when you wake up, you say: 'I'm not going to spend the rest of
my life doing this.'
Just like a prostitute.

The Car you drive says a lot about you.

Women:



BMW

-- most of them are married and hold high positions where they work, they have arrived and they are envied by Audi drivers, enjoying being at work than being at home, because she's tired of confronting the husband about his extra Marital Affair. The dread the day they got married, because the hubby is a cheater.



MERC,

-- most of them are divorcees, they cant stand what the BMW drivers are standing for right now, they are single mothers, independent, and survivors. They always the advice the BMW drives to leave the Bustards



Audi

-- These type of women envy everything bout the BMW drivers, they pretend as if they have arrived, they spread rumours about other women especially BMW drivers, they would love to be married but can’t get that men because they

are control freaks. They go to weddings and funerals just to skinner.



RAV4,JEEP,X3 and the likes

-- these women are happily married, the husbands bought the cars for them, friendly to everyone. When BMW drivers got married, they thought their marriages will be like these women. These women are best friends to BMW Drivers, always telling them gore lenyalo la itshokelwa.



VW:Polo & Golf

-- Confused, they not sure what life has in store for them. They have baby on board stickers, cause they think they are pimping the car, very confused bout the men they want. They can’t be in relationship because of their confused state of mind. They claim that they are looking for true but once they find one, they just chase it away.



YARIS

-- most of them are Learner drivers, they bought the licenses under tree, they don’t know road signs. They think they have arrived, they think that they are independent, they think that they don’t need a man, they think gore they are Black Diamonds, you find them at Newscafes,Capellos and the likes. They stay in rented flats, and every weekend they go home to eat decent food.





Picanto,Punto,Jazz,hyndai,Palio

-- these women, bought the car after being dumped by their baby Daddys during pregnancy, 9 in 10 cars have baby on board stickers on them, they were hurt by their long time boyfriends, think that all men are dogs.





MEN



BMW

-- These guys recently got married, they are in their early 30s, the wives are helping them to pay off the cars. The claim to be players, but are not, they definitely cheat on their wives but eventually get caught. If the wife leaves him he's going back to his back room, to stress his mother again.



MERC

-- Well this guys, are bit fat ke bo Mr Tender, for some reason they love the construction business, because of all the illegal tenders they get. They are insecure bout their looks, so they use money to get woman.



AUDI

-- This are the reserved kinda of guys, very settled, family men. They buy wives cars. Hold senior positions at work, enjoy their sport.





VW: GOLF 4-5

-- Ba rata dilo, they love attention, you always find them at Car washes, bragging about what they have. How many women they have slept, in actual fact they only sleeping with one girl. The talk about how they would have bought the GTI, but one uncle of him advised him not to because of warawara.



VW: GOLF GTI

-- These are the real players, they have rented town-houses to do their thing. Just about every guy envies them. Before the car they couldn’t score any girls.



VW: LIFE,CITI,VELOCITY, citi rox

-- Barata bo Sarafina, they are only in it for the girls(SARAFINAs).



VW: POLO

-- this guys ke bo naame ngiyasebenza(I'm also working), they have credit left right and centre, women tend to go for them because ke dibari. He dates two or three girls he thinks he's a player. They go to Newscafes and Capellos for two dumpies, then go back ko Loxion to drink 750Mls,They are pretenders like the YARIS drivers(women). Stay in flats they cant afford.

Bubu got in first

LIFE AFTER DEATH

*Boss: **'Bubu, do you believe in Life after Death?'**
Bubu: **'Ack-tually, no, Sir**!**'**
Boss: **'Why not?'**
Bubu: **'Well, basickully, dêr is no proof that it ack-tually exists,
Boss.'**
Boss: **'Well, there is proof now.'* *
Bubu: **'Hai-bo! ** **Seri-aaass?'*
*Boss: **'Yes absolutely. ** **After you left early yesterday to go to your
brother's funeral, he came here looking for you.'* *

Bubu: **'Eeisssshhhh....'*

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window
and
asks, 'What's going on?'

'Terrorists have kidnapped Jacob Zuma, Winnie Mandela, Julius Malema and
Jackie Selebi. They're asking for a R310 million ransom.
Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.
We're going
from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'

'About a litre.'

1. The serial killer and his victim are walking through a dark scary
bush.
'I'm scared' says the victim. 'You think you scared' says the killer, 'I
have to walk back alone.'


2. Two blondes chatting : Blonde 1: 'I went for a pregnancy test.'
Blonde 2:
'Were the questions difficult?'

3. Johnny swears a lot. The priest asks him if he's not scared of
meeting Satan. Johnny says 'You the one that must be scared, you talk
sh*t about him every Sunday.'