The air hostess asked: Would you like Head Phones. I replied: How did you know my name was Phones

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly man.
He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute.
He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.
The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone.
The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?"
"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there."
"$100!! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. "Trust me, it's worth it."
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.

The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was incredible!"
"Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my blowjobs."
"How much is that?" "$500"
"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
"You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building.
"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth it.
" Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it.
He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints - twice.
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?" She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that island?"
"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"

She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"

[QUOTE;1667370;uwillwantme] A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly man.
He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute.
He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.
The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone.
The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?"
"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"
"I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there."
"$100!! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"
"You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. "Trust me, it's worth it."
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.

The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was incredible!"
"Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my blowjobs."
"How much is that?" "$500"
"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
"You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building.
"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth it.
" Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it.
He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints - twice.
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?" She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that island?"
"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"

She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"


Brilliant !!!

On 2019-01-23 08:28:18 J_69 said:
When u are married, u can have sex anytime you want, as long as you are the one with the vagina

Sharrup!

THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK

AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN.

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.
Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.
I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn' have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.
Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg.
Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.
I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn'nt managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.
I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.
This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering arhhh ooooohhh that feels good ahhh Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn'nt heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.
I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasent the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect.

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?

Feyonc.

Ever notice in the heat of the moment a couple will undress each other to do the deed once they are done how ever they have to dress them selves.

Moral of the story once your fucked your on your own ...
..
Lol #/dry joke

@Carmen
Haha good one!

Little five year old Johnny was in the bath tub and visibly unhappy, and his mom was washing his hair.

She said to him, "Wow, your hair is growing so fast! You need a haircut again."

Little Johnny replied, "Maybe you should stop watering it so much."

If she don't gasp when you put in,just pull out and go home.

You are not qualified for the mission