A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, 'I have this problem with gas,

but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are
always silent.



As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been
here in your office.



You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent.'



The doctor says, 'I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.'



The next week the lady goes back. 'Doctor,' she says, 'I don't know what the

hell you gave me, but now my farts -- although still silent -- stink terribly.'



The doctor says, 'Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's
work on your hearing...'

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
(This one is too funny not to forward!)

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed
to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told
us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the
big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays
up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over

those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main

man can pitty-pat us on the
ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess
and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch!'

A Chinese woman went for an interview


Interviewer: Give me a sentence using the following words.... Green, Pink,
Yellow, Blue, White, Black and Purple.


Chinese woman: The phone Green, I Pink it up, and I say Yellow, Blue's that?
White? Sorry wrong number, don't call us Black coz you're disturbing the
Purple working here...

-----A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed
correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was
7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
Fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct
number
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You
were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick.
It's not rigged at all. My wife won twice last week.'

Girls explained in IT terms

~*~Types Of Girls~*~


HARD DISK GIRLS:
she remembers everything, FOREVER





RAM GIRLS:
she forgets about you, the moment you turn her off


WINDOW GIRLS:
everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live
without her.


SCREENSAVER GIRLS:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun


INTERNET GIRLS:
Difficult to access


SERVER GIRLS:
Always busy when you need her.


MULTIMEDIA GIRLS:
She makes horrible things look beautiful


CD-ROM GIRLS:
She is always faster and faster.


E MAIL GIRLS
Brings a smile to your face



VIRUS GIRLS:
Also known as 'wife''.When you are not expecting her, she
comes,installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to
uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall
her,you will lose everything...

Hilarious One Liners

1. Phone answering message - '.....
and if you want to buy marijuana press the hash key'
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist
wearing only cling film shorts.
The Shrink says, 'Well I can clearly see your nuts'.
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day,
but I couldn't find any.
4. I went into the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid
that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, ' No, the steaks are too high'.
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man came round in the hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, ' Doctor, Doctor, I cant feel my legs!' The Doctor replied, 'I
know I've cut off your arms'.
7. I went to a seafood disco last week..............
and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak and where chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor
covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say he topped himself.
10. A man goes into the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. The Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
11. 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of home'.
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common.........?' 'Its not unusual...'
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. ' My dog is cross eyed,
is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well, ' said the vet 'lets take
a look at him'. So he picks up the dog examines his eyes, then he checks
his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What,
because he's cross eyed??' 'No, because he's really heavy.'
13. Guy goes into the doctors, 'Doc I've got a cricket ball stuck up
my backside.' How's That! 'Don't you start!'
14. Two elephants walk off a cliff. Boom, Boom!
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A FSH
16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, 'Can
you give me a lift?' I said, ' Sure, you look great, the worlds your
oyster Go For it!'
17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I
think its Colin!
18. Two blokes walk in a pub, one says to the other,
'Your round.' The other bloke says,
'So are you, you fat basr**d!'
19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, ones was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the
other off.
20. 'You know somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a note on my windscreen, it said, ' parking fine' So that was
nice!'
21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in
several places' The Doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore

Why we should not flirt!!!!!!!


A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress

Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her

husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband,

protested, but she argued and said she was going to take

some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time

to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping

soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early,

decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was,

she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how

he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his

costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice

'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he

left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her

husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in

her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had

passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at

midnight , she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and

was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he
had.

'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're

not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'

He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I

got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into


the spare room and played poker all evening.'

'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing

poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the

husband replied,

'Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad

.... apparently he had the time of his life.

Double post

Million $ Questions

Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is
Restricted!
[]

Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...

[]
New AIDS awareness slogan:
Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with
different women.
[]
Why is $ex like shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to
do it again...

[]
Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.

[]
Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.

[]
Q: What is the difference between an UNDERWEAR & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull
down the UNDERWEAR..... it is SHOWTIME!

[]
Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later

[]
Advantages of having an affair with a married women.
They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell and there is no wedding bell!

[]
My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in
Paradise . Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the
bloody apple!

Marriage Humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our
marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

*-------------------------------*

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife : 'Yes or no.'

-------------------------------

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can
there be greater than this one?'

--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your
worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or
troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'