I had to find closure in 5 different relationships in the past 4 years. It's not easy, but is possible. This is something we all have to learn as we will have relationships in our lives that do not have closure. Death is just one of the possibilities that could rob you of closure, but finding it in yourself can free you of so much burden that another person can bestow on your life when they deny you closure!

Closure in relationships is a huge topic, and not easy to address in a forum environment. For what it's worth, my two cents:

There is an underlying psychological 'pathology' to love that is hardwired into human beings. When we are infants, one of our first tasks is to distinguish what is 'me' from what is 'not me'; an infant can't tell the difference at first. That process we can call establishing ego boundaries.

When we fall in love, those ego boundaries are lowered: the other person becomes part of what we consider 'me'. In that beginning period, everything about that person seems wonderful and perfect (which is why we have the saying, "Love is Blind")

But, of course, our objects of love are not really a part of 'me', and, like an infant, we have to reestablish our ego boundaries again. That process applies to both people in the relationship, and it's during this period that many (if not most) relationships fall apart: they are simply just not a 'good fit' psychologically.

In a perfect relationship, the ego boundaries are reestablished with both parties satisfied and happy that their lives are made better by the presence of their partner, seemingly without effort or compromise.

But few relationships are perfect, and the silent negotiation that takes place as both parties reestablish their ego boundaries most often results in, to a greater or lesser degree, some inequality in the relationship psychologically. Now some relationships are happily functional with a dominant partner emotionally. Others, the strain of the relationship being emotionally unequal eventually causes it to crack under that psychological pressure. This is a topic that is books long, to understand the different dynamics at play...

But in terms of closure, it is enough to understand that your partner's psychological needs were not being met, either because you could not give what they needed and maintain your own sense of self, or you asked more of them than they could give and survive psychologically. There is no fault attached to this, by the way: whether you were the giver or taker out of balance in the equation is not subject to judgment!

The important thing, though, is to recognize that long term unequal relationships, because of the nature of having ceded a part of our emotional identity (our ego) to another, make us feel tremendous loss when the relationship ends.

You can find closure by examining the emotional dynamics of the relationship, or you can simply go through the grieving process of having lost a part of (seemingly) who you are. But if you choose to examine the dynamics of the relationship, it is process best done without the other person involved, unless you have a good councilor involved to aid the process. And a good councilor will be someone who admits they can't fix every relationship, and helps negotiate a less emotionally devastating ending for the parties involved, if that is what is needed.

Sorry for the long response, but it is a complicated topic.

On 2017-07-31 21:37:43 nympho_zn said:
It IS essential. After been in a relationship for 6 years, my ex wanted "space". We eventually just drifted apart. She never gave any explanation . 7 years on, it still eats me from within....why....what...how....when.... I'll never know....

Dam that sounds scary . How Are you actually coping ?

On 2017-07-31 21:37:43 nympho_zn said:
It IS essential. After been in a relationship for 6 years, my ex wanted "space". We eventually just drifted apart. She never gave any explanation . 7 years on, it still eats me from within....why....what...how....when.... I'll never know....

That's why you have to find it within yourself! I came back to SA to renew my visa and various things went wrong! My ex just cut me off from the UK. No explanation, no nothing after I packed up my life here and left SA to start a new life with him there. It destroyed me, but after years of trying to come to terms with it, I finally had to close the doors on him in my heart! It would have been easier if I'd known and got closure, but I came to the realization that I do not need it from him!

One needs to do some soul searching. U need to make peace with ifs, whys , buts especially in a long term relationship or one where u feel u did something wrong else it will eat u from the inside if u don't. U have all the answers its like putting a puzzle together. Also be patient with yourself and don't get frustrated too much.

It's not easy to carry on without closure. The best thing to do is realise your worth know that the door is closed for a reason and something better is on the horizon. A positive attitude is half the battle won.

If that doesn't work then there's one other solutions. The best way to get over someone is to get under someone ;)

Personally I opt for options one but option 2 works just as well ;)

So many sad experiences ...so much sound advice .

It's good that people have shared experiences and advise ....I'm sure a lot of us have been inspired ...myself being one of them

Simple things can touch somone when they need it the most .

Good on y'all

Life mostly sucks , just enjoy the bits in between , closure or not.

If somethings not meant to be, let it go. A failing relationship is like an old car, if something breaks, you can fix it, but more parts would pop soon. Personally I like to cut clean, seeking closure can back fire. Just let it go...

@yolan


https://youtu.be/c1K0E6r58vA

Hope this helps.

Mwah

Arz