MARRIAGE PROPOSAL IN PUNJABI ENGLISH (DON'T LAUGH; DEAD SERIOUS)

ACTUAL LETTER TAKEN FROM THE TIMES OF INDIA .
RESPONSE TO A 'MARRIAGE PROPOSALS' ADVERTISEMENT!


Madam :

I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Lahore . Having seen
your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you
and hope you will take me nicely.

I am a soiled son from inside Punjab . I am nice and big, six foottall, and
six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as becauseI am working
hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket, and I am a good
batter and I am a fast baller. Whenever Icome running in for balling, other
batters start running. Everybody isscared of my rapid balls that bounce a
lot.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I amjolly. I am
gay. ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. Am alwaysgiving respect to
the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top.

That is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking
and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to
the Jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping.
If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in
the Jim.

I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you.
I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only.
What to do ? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday.. That is
why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and my
things into your hand.

If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very
hard every day.. fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim. If you
are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press
you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling
feet looking up with lots of hope.

I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.

Expecting soon

Yours and only yours

Choudhary Warraich, born by mother in Okara and become big in Lahore ,
Punjab

Silence in the Court.....

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
____________ ______
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________ _________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
____________ _________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________ _________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________ _________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________ _________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
____________ _________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
____________ _________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did y ou go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
____________ _________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________ _________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ _________
And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life;
is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
-----
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
-----
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
-----
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
------
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
-----
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
-----
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
----
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
----
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

My 1 day employment
>
> So after landing my new job as an Edgars greeter, a good find for many
retirees,
> I lasted less than a day......
> About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
> unattractive, mean-acting
> woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at
> them all the
> way through the entrance.
>
> As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome
> to Edgars.
> Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped
> yelling long
> enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the
> other one's 7.
> Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just
> stupid?'
>
> So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't
> believe someone
> slept with you twice
(no offence... Im ugly aswell)

ONLY CAPE TOWNIANS WILL BE ABLE TO RELATE TO THIS.........


1. Keep the time between purchase and consumption of the
Gatsby
as short as possible. Cold chips are no one's friend.

2. Cut the Gatsby into a maximum of four pieces Anything
smaller is a gross injustice to the Gatsby because there's no way you'll
be filled by a fifth or less.

3. Any chip falling from any given piece of the Gatsby is
considered fair game. The ruling on this is final.

4. When separating the Gatsby, note the point of division:
practice absolute precision here to avoid taking the bottom roll of the
next person's piece. Ask for assistance if necessary.

5. You must finish your share. Besides it being a terrible
waste, you'll be scorned by the Gatsby Fraternity for all time for being
vesin.

6. Grip is critical. Cup your piece in your hand so that loose
bits have nowhere to fall except back into your hands. Avoid the
scenario described in Point 3.

7. NEVER leave the Gatsby unattended.

8. It's best to accompany the Gatsby with a beverage, ie Jive,
Frulati or Cabana. Hearty burping guarantees relief.

9. Observe relative silence when consuming the Gatsby No one
likes to talk and eat at the same time. Se e Point 1 regarding cold
chips.

10. Always wash hands with soap and water at the conclusion to
avoid getting a spicy finger in the eye, a condition commonly known as
Gatsby Eye. The only cure is self-induced crying. No one wants to see
that, so just make the trip and wash your damn hands.

11. The bra that contributes the least towards the gatsby gets
the
smallest piece.

12. The Gatsby is not supposed to be eaten out of a plate, so
make
sure you ask the BB.Sc (Bra Behind Shop Counter) to doublewrap the
Gatsby to ensure enough paper for everyone.

13. Avoid eye contact with anyone not eating the Gatsby for fear
of
them asking for a 'stukkie' or shouting 'kap 'n baat'.

14. When sipping on the Frulati, make sure you only have 2 sips
then pass... anyone attempting more than 2 sips forfeit the next
round.

15. Nothing on the Gatsby is to be wasted (refer point 5), that
includes any salads or sauces still re maining in the paper... lick
it
up!

16. When the Gatsby is finished, it's obligatory to finish the
ritual with a cigarette, beware though of anyone asking for ''n skyf';
thus make sure you get some sauce on the filter of the cigarette to
avoid having to share your 'entjie'.

Hard to believe, but another year has almost passed. Once again, it's time for the Darwin Award Nominees. The Darwins are awarded every year to the persons who died in the most stupid manner, thereby removing themselves from the gene pool. This year's nine nominees are:
Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a 'farm-type truck.' Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns 'wrapped in the drive shaft.
Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. (For whatever reason, residents of Southern states always seem to figure prominently among the Darwin nominees.)
Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]: Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was 'one of the best and brightest' members of the 200-man association. (Nice to see another Canadian province getting into the awards. The Maritimes always have been heavily involved.)
Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]: Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. (South Carolina entrants are always perennial favourites.)
Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]: A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed on Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]: A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. 'It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony,' Honer said. (Another Ontario entry....I wonder if people are moving there from the Maritime provinces.)
Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis,38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 calibre bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.
After travelling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree.
Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. 'Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might both be dead,' stated Wallis.
'I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened,' said Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck???
(Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole DID,

> Q: Why are condoms transparent?
> A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is
> Restricted!
>
>
> Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
> Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...
>
>
> New AIDS awareness slogan:
> Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position
> with different women.
>
> Why is $ex like shaving?
> Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll
> have to do it again...
>
>
> Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
> A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.
> d
>
> Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
> A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.
>
>
> Q: What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE CURTAIN?
> A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when
you
> pull down the PANTY..... it is SHOWTIME!
>
> []
> Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
> A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless
> later
>
>
> Advantages of having an affair with a married women.
> They give like hell.
> They do not yell.
> They do not tell.
> They do not swell and there is no wedding bell!
>
>
> My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in
> Paradise . Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the
> bloody apple!

 As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab
you and squeeze you, because I can't  forget last night.
You came to me unexpectedly during the calm and balmy night, and what
happened in my bed still leaves a tingling  sensation in me. You appeared from no where and shamelessly, without any reservations,
you laid on my naked body...you sensed my  indifference, so you applied
your hungry mouth  to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you  drove
me near crazy while you drained  me.
Finally, I drifted off to sleep. Today when I awoke, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail,
only the  sheets bore witness to last night's events.
My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making
it all the more difficult to  forget you. Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you........you f*cking
mosquito

That was the whole idea . . .Lol

I wish, my dear. Im afraid im not so creative to come up with these jokes.
Im FORTUNATE to be a victim of a few COMEDIAN email SPAMMERS!
I have no idea who these persons are, but they make me laugh. I just copy and paste it here because of boredom lol.