A prostitute goes to deposit a R100 in a bank.
The teller says, 'Sorry, madam, the note is fake '.
'Oh my God.' exclaimed the prostitute, 'I have been RAPED!

2. Girl enters sex shop and asks the clerk, 'Where is your vibrator section?
Clerk: Over there madam.
Girl: How much for that red one?
Clerk: Sorry madam, that's a fire extinguisher.

3. Q. What's the definition of gynaecologist?
A. The only fool who looks for problems where others try to find pleasure.

4. Love is complicated machinery. But sometimes all you need is a good screw to fix it.

5. SEX is like a card game.
If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

6. Husband: You never tell me how much you enjoy sex .
Wife: Well, you are never at home at that time.

7. Q: What is virginity?
A: It's not dignity. It is lack of opportunity.

8. A man was looking at a painting for a long time of a naked woman, with tree leaves covering her body.
When asked what he was doing, he answered, 'Waiting for autumn.'

The Darwin Awards are out!

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Provo , Utah would-be robber Jason Ellison did
something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and
tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2.. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat
cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim
to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out
one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he
also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped... Not wanting to
admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and
offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the
passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients
were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception
wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5.. A teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds
received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how
close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer.. $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives
you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly... He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,
grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it
over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the
would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store
window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a South Carolina convenience store, a
man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and
the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the
snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They
put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then
taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To
which he replied, 'Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole
the purse from.'

The next 1 is my favourite...

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A..M., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered
onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.. The
man, frustrated, walked away. (This is a 5-star stupidity award
winner)

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked
on an Atlanta street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police
arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor
home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man
admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose
into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle
declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever
had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends
and family.....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is
a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are
distant and hope they remain lost.

Remember....

They walk among us, they vote, and they breed!!!***

Here's a difficult one.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which
you will have to make a decision.

THE SITUATION

Johannesburg has seen its worst storm in living memory. There is chaos
all around with severe flooding.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly
hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people disappearing into the water.

Nature is unleashing all its destructive fury.

THE TEST

Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life,
trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer... somehow, the man looks familiar...

You suddenly realise who it is... It's Julius Malema!

You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options:

1. you can save the life of Julius Malema
2. or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize-winning photo,
documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!

THE QUESTION

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer. . .

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with a
more classic black and white film?

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says,
'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them
up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds,
'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is
colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says,
'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in
alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in,
'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when
you have a few parts left over at the end, and hen the job takes longer than
you said it would.'>
But the fifth surgeon observed,

'You're all wrong. ANC Youth League Politicians (AKA Julius Malema) are the
easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and
no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole -
and they are interchangeable'

You guys hear what happened in Ventersdorp the day the court case started… apparently the cops had to separate everyone with barbed wire… all the whites were singing “Die Stem”… all the blacks were singing “kill the boer”… and the 6 coloured’s there were in the middle singing “Make the circle Beega!!”

From the state where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a
True story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local
neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man
leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the
officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying
his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which
he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other
patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car,
switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked
the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on
the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then
remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles
left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly
down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this
time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights,
promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the
man's intoxication.
The police officer said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken.'
'I doubt it,' said the man, 'tonight I'm the designated decoy'.

With which of the following names are you not familiar?

1. Robert Mugabe
2. Julius Malema
3. Jacob Zuma
4. Guiseppe Riccardi
5. Schabir Shaik
6. Tiger Woods


Did you battle a little with number 4?

Typical!!

You know all the a**holes, thieves & cheaters, but you don't know who the pope is! LOL

Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

Little Sally came home from school, with a smile on her face and told her mother,

'Frank Brown showed me his willy today!'

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say,
'It reminded me of a peanut'

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, 'Really! Was it small?'

Sally replied, 'No...it was salty!

THE BEST PICK UP LINE EVER

A man is sitting at a bar in Cape Town and looks at his watch
several times in the space of a few minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, 'Is your date
running late?'
'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was
just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special about it?'
The man explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken
because
I am wearing panties!''
The man smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's
running about an hour fast, can I buy you a drink in the
meantime?'