"Won't you kiss me, doctor," asks a beautiful woman. "No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor. "Please just one kiss," begs the woman. "It's completely out of the question," he goes on. "I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."

I bought my friends an elephant for their room

They Said : 'Thank You'

I Said : 'Don't Mention It'

Teacher asked: "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy". Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy,"I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today."

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Dave and Harry were swimming. They saw a pregnant woman drowning and quickly pulled her to safety. Dave starts giving her a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Harry opens her legs and puts his mouth on her genitalia.

Dave: WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING??!

Harry: You save the mother, I'll save the baby.

Three old timers were discussing aging..and a nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age, said the first.You always like you have to pee.And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out."

"AH, That's nothing, said the seventy year old.
When you get to seventy,you cant even shit anymore.You eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out."

Actually eighty is the worst age of all, said the 80 year old!

"Do you have trouble peeing too?,asked the 60 year old"
"No, not really. I pee at 06h00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock, no problem."

"Do you have trouble shitting?, asked the 70 year old"
"No. I shit every morning at 06h30"

"Let me get this straight, said the 60 year old."
"You pee every morning at 06h00 and shit every morning at 06h30.
So what is so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 07h00, said the 80 year old."

A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30 PM after enjoying a day of golf.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade.

"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a fucking mess and the dishes are still in the sink. I'm completely exhausted! I didn't get enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my fucking pajamas? I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the fuck did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid asshole?"

The husband replied: "Because he's thinking of getting married."

Message from my ex: I am dating someone better than you !!!

Me: Are the batteries included ;)

My ex told me: " I still love you..."

To which I replied: " I don't blame you, I would too"

A woman was unhappy with the way her clothes were washed, at the local laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothing..."Use more detergent on panties."

The next day she got her clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so she wrote the same note again..."USE MORE DETERGENT ON PANTIES."

The laundry owner became very angry with her,and when clean laundry was delivered to her ,it had a note from the owner: " USE MORE PAPER ON ARSE"