On 2019-07-06 11:18:03 uwillwantme said:
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.

As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Good one!

What's the difference between broccoli and snot?
You can't get kids to eat brocolli...

Naughty boy draws a p*nis on a black board.
Lady teacher rubs it off.
Next day he draws a bigger one and writes:
"REMEMBER THE MORE YOU RUB THE BIGGER IT GETS!

My penis was in the Guinness book of world records...
Until the librarian threatened to call security!

A man with a mask on walks into a bank and goes to the desk.
He pulls out a gun and points it at the lady at the desk. He says,'Open the vault skank'.
The woman says, 'Sir, this is a sperm bank. We dont have any money here'.
The man says, 'Open the vault right now or im going to blow your fucking head off'.
She opens the vault and turns back to the man and he said, 'Take out one of those jars'.
The woman said, 'please sir, i promise you we dont have any money here. This is a sperm bank'.
The man said, 'Take out one of those jars right now or ill blow your fucking head off'.
The women turns, grabs the jar and looks back to the man and he said, 'Take lid off and swallow it'.
She looks at him in disgust and pleads to him saying, 'Sir, this is sperm. Please, im not drinking sperm. We dont have any money here. Please leave'.
The man says, 'Take the lid off and drink it or ill blow your fucking head off'.
So the womans takes off the lid and kicks it back real quick and swallows it with little to no problem then turns to look back at the man and to her amazment he took off the mask and it was her husband.
He looked at her and said, 'See! It's not that fucking dificult is it'.

She used to be my friend until she said our President was Mr Cereal Rama Pornstar.

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"
The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

I used to spend 1000s on phone sex chat lines.

Now I call the suicide line and say "talk to me dirty or I'll kill myself"

A guy goes to the supermarket one day. He's doing his shopping when he notices an attractive young woman waving at him.She comes over and says hi to him.

He's taken aback because he can't think where he knows her from. So he asks her, "Do you know me?"

She replies, "Yes, I think you're the father of one of my kids."

The guy's mind is whirring now and it travels back to the only time he's ever been unfaithful to his wife. He asks the woman, "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly replies, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

What's the difference between Love and Herpes?

Herpes is forever.