Bubu, you seriously need a woman, to write that number of jokes you must have too much time on your hands. Get a sex life! Happy New year.

Ai jinne. . .The last girl i were interested, were engage. She hid that from me. Im still looking though.

: Blond Payment Plan



Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-panel energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been
completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales
guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only
silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He
never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint
Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and
all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her
and began calling greetings to her 'Hello - How are you! We've been waiting
for you! Good to see you.'

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, 'This is such a wonderful
place! How do I get in?' 'You have to spell a word,' Saint Peter told her.

'Which word?' the woman asked.

'Love.'

The woman correctly spelled 'Love' and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the
Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. 'I'm
surprised to see you,' the woman said. 'How have you been?'

'Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died,' her husband told her. 'I
married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I
lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around
the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I
fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?'

'You have to spell a word,' the woman told him.

'Which word?' her husband asked.

' Czechoslovakia .'

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... There will be hell to pay
later………..

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.
Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should
be here soon.’

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘Good morning, Ma’am’,
he said, ‘I’ve come to…’

‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been
expecting you.’

‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know
babies are my specialty?’

‘Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat
!.

After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’

‘Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch,
and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really spread out there.’

‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’

‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure
you’ll be pleased with the results.’

‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Smith.

‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In and
out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’

‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby
pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said.

‘Oh, my God!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.’

‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith.

‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look’

‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

‘Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh…equipment?’

‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we
can get to work right away.’

‘Tripod?’

‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too
big to be held in the hand very long.’

There are three hunters in the woods. At the same time they all feel them
self get shot in the ass with a dart.

When they woke up they are all bare ass with there butts in the air. There
is a tribe around them bowing down and worshipping them saying
oooooooohhhhhhhhh ooooohhhhhhhh ooooooooohhhhhhh oooooohhhhhh.

The tribe goes silent and they all split. A chief walks between the crowd.

The chief goes up to the first guy and says “You have two choice death, or
Bongo!”.

The man thinks in his head “Well i don’t want to die so i guess Bongo!”. So
he tells the chief he wants Bongo!.

So the chief turns around to the crowd and yells “Bongo!!!”

Immediately the tribe runs in and starts fucking the guy in the ass, all of
them. This guy is out.

So the chief goes up to the second guy and says “You have two choice death
or Bongo!”.

So the guy thinks for a second and says “Well at least ill live to tell
about it and you know maybe the tribe is tired so, Bongo!”.

So the chief turns around to the tribe and yells “Bongo!!!”

The tribe splits and a whole new tribe comes in and starts doing him in the
ass and after they are done the first tribe comes and does the same. This
guy is out, his ass cheeks are sagging he is just out of it.

Before the chief gets to the third guy, the man already knows that he wants
to be killed. So the chief comes up to him and says “You have two choice
death or Bongo!”.

The man says “There is no way in hell your there pulling three tribes on me.
I choose death, kill me now just get it over with”.

So the chief turns around to the crowd and yells “DEATH…. by BONGO!!!”

Maybe u will like it; Maybe u won't! Muhahahaha!

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is
wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the
devil ....

Satan: ' Why so glum? '

Guy : ' What do you think? I ' m in hell! '

Satan: ' Hell ' s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun
down here. You a drinking man? '

Guy : ' Sure, I love to drink. '

Satan: ' Well, you ' re gonna love Mondays then. On
Mondays, that ' s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila,
Guinness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca. We drink ' til
we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don ' t
have to worry about getting a hangover, because you ' re
dead anyway. '

Guy : ' Gee that sounds great! '

Satan: ' You a smoker? '

Guy : ' You better believe it '

Sat an: ' All right! You ' re gonna love Tuesdays. We get
the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our
lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you ' re
already dead, remember? '

Guy : ' Wow .... that ' s awesome! '

Satan: ' I bet you like to gamble.. '

Guy : ' Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do. '

Satan: ' Good, ' cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you
want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots,
whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn ' t matter, you ' re
dead anyhow. '

Guy : ' Cool! '

Satan: ' What about drugs? '

Guy : ' Are you kidding? Love drugs! You d on ' t mean ...? '

Satan: ' That ' s right! Thursday is drug day. Help
yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a
doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the
drugs you want. You ' re dead so who
cares. '

Guy : ' Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place! '

Satan: ' You gay? '

Guy : ' No... '

Satan: ' Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough ...

Q: What is an Australian kiss?
A: It is the same as a French kiss, but only down under.

Q: Why can't you trust a woman?
A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die?

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take
Your house and car with them.
Q: What's the speed limit of s¨ºx?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: Why girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.

¡¤
Men
Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to
pick only one.

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women:....
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need... A man wants
every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to 'instruction manuals'

Subject: what men would do if they had a vagina for a day

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without
sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on
video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

LOL @ WHY DO WOMEN RUB THEIR EYES IN THE MORNING