Two cannibals were eating a clown when one turns to the other to ask,"Does this taste a bit funny to you"

Vikash went to the doctor's office to ask for a triple dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't give him a triple dose.
'Why not?' asked Vikash.
'Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.
'But I need it really bad,' said Vikash
 
'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.
 
Vikash said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.'
 
The doctor finally relented saying, 'All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.'
 
On Monday afternoon Vikash dragged himself into the doctors office ...his right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, 'Shit... What happened to you?'
 
Vikash said, 'No one showed up.'

Brilliant!!!!!!!!!!!

ANSWERS OF A BRILLANT STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% FOR HIS EXAMS

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?* his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?* at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?* liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?* marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?* exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?* Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?* The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?* it will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ??* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?* Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?* No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?*Concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Sexy Ashmikah - indeed brilliant.
Eggunlettis - puerile semantics.

Job at the FBI



The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews


And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

Two men and a woman.



For the final test, the FBI agents took one of

The men to a large metal door and handed

Him a gun.



'We must know that you will follow your

Instructions no matter what the circumstances.



Inside the room you will find your wife sitting

In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'



The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could

Never shoot my wife...'



The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man

For this job. Take your wife and go home.'



The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was

Quiet for about 5 minutes.



The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,

But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't

Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'



Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the

Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the

Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one

After another. They heard screaming, crashing,

Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was

Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the

Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.



'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to

Beat him to death with the chair.'



MORAL:



Women are crazy. Don't MESS with them

Oom Ben

My goodness !! How blind I am ! Damn !
Thank you so much for enlightening me and causing me to rethink the concept of semantics as a means of entertainment. Constant effort to please and obtain your respected opinion will be my only future mission in life ! You have made me a better person, I think….

Will you please allow me to submit the following knock-knock joke from Macbeth as a poorly constructed effort from my side to sooth your highly sensitive and frayed literary nerves ??
Knock, knock, knock! Who’s there,
i’ the name of Beelzebub? Here’s a farmer, that hang’d
himself on th’ expectation of plenty. Come in time!
Have napkins enow about you; here you’ll sweat for’t.
Knock, knock! Who’s there, in the other
devil’s name? Faith, here’s an equivocator, that could
swear in both the scales against either scale, who com-
mitted treason enough for God’s sake, yet could
not equivocate to heaven. O, come in, equivocator.
Knock, knock, knock! Who’s there? Faith,
here’s an English tailor come hither, for stealing
out of a French hose: come in, tailor; here you may
roast your goose.

Ketonker

a guy wrote to a systems analyst (Marriage Software Division):

Dear Systems Analyst,

I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded my Program from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected Child Processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. but this wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other Programs and launches during systems initialization and then it monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as "Boys' Night out 2.5" and "Golf 5.3" no longer run, and crashes the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate selected "Saturday Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1" runs instead.

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite Applications. Be it online or offline. I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend 7.0", but Uninstall doesn't work on this program. Can you please help?

... AND THIS IS WHAT OUR ANALYST SAID:

Dear Customer,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding of the functions of the Wife 1.0 program. Many customers upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM. Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its Creator to run everything on your current Platform.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once it is installed. Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 as an upgrade but have ended up with even more problems.

With Wife 1.0, I recommend you keep it Installed and deal with the difficulties as best as you can when any faults or problems occur.

Whatever you think has caused them, just run the......... C: APOLOGIZE FORGIVE ME.EXE Program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire system.

It may be necessary to run C: APOLOGIZE FORGIVE ME.EXE a number of times, and eventually hope that the operating system will return to normal. Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance programme, can be very rewarding.

To get the most out of it, consider buying additional Software such as "Flowers 2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGS KISSES 600.0" or "TENDERNESS UNDERSTANDING 1000.0" or even Eating out without the Kids 7.2.1" (if Child processing has already started).

DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1" (Short Skirt Version) or "One Night stand 3.2" (Any Mood Version), as this is not a supported application. For Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly CRASH.

Thank you. Please feel free to contact us for additional assistance or download our Marriage Auto - troubleshooter 5.0.0 product.

Have a good day!

A little girl went into a pet shop and asked "Excuthe me, do you haf any widdle wabbits?". The shop keeper's heart melted. He got down on his knees so that he was onher level and said "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit? Or maybe one like that widdle bwown one over there?". The little girl blushed, put her hands on her knees, and whispered, I don't think my pyton gives a phuck!

Eggunlettis , sir, you have raised yourself immeasurably in my estimation.