Hotstuff thanx 4 all the laughs. You always make my day

Phoenix. . .A mwhaaaa back at ya!

Lol oh like darkwing fuck lol oh sorry meant duck

Lmimc @ darkwing!

Our boss called the office together this morning to show us where all the plug sockets are. I hate power point presentations. *

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;**
**it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.**
**
Give more.

Expect less**.**
**
**
NOW ............**

Enough of that**..... **The donkey later came back,**
**and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.**
**The gash from the bite got infected and**
**the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.**
**
**
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:**

When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some Olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs
some
sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one
of
the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's
amazement,
somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, 'Did you see what your monkey just
did?'

The guy says 'No, what?'

The bartender screams 'He just ate the cue ball off my pool table -
whole!'

'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy, 'he eats
everything
in sight, the little b*stard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and
stuff.'

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey
ate,
then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While
the man is finishing his drink, t he monkey finds a maraschino cherry
on
the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then
the
monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out,
and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. 'Did you see what your monkey did now?' he
asks.

'No, what?' replies the guy. 'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and
a
peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!' said the bartender.

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy. 'He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he had to sh*t out that cue ball,
he
measures everything first.'

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Parisi ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Volpe?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Parisi,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an
altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'4 months vacation and five good leads.

This is a test for Intelligent People. I have determined that you qualify.
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you if you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?


The correct answer is:
Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
This question tested whether you tend to do simple things
In an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?


Did you say, Open the refrigerator,
Put in the elephant,
And close the
Refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe,
Put in the elephant and close the door.
This tested your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend....except one.
Which animal does not attend?


Correct Answer: The Elephant.

The elephant is in the refrigerator.
You just put him in there.


This tested your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly,
You still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across.
Have you not been listening?
All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.

This tested whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. AndersonConsulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

A long time ago, before the world was created and humans set foot on it for the first time, vices & virtues floated around and were bored, not knowing what to do. One day, all the vices and virtues were gathered
together and were more bored than ever.

Suddenly, Ingenious came up with an idea:

'Let's play hide and seek!'

All of them liked the idea and immediately Madness shouted:
'I want to count, I want to count!'

And since nobody was crazy enough to want to seek Madness , all the others agreed. Madness leaned against a tree and started to count:
'One, two, three..'

As Madness counted, the vices and virtues went hiding.

Tenderness hung itself on the horn of the moon... Treason hid in a pile of garbage... Fondness curled up between the clouds...and Passion went to the centre of the earth.... Lie said that it would hide under a
stone, but hid at the bottom of the lake... whilst Avarice entered a sack that he ended up breaking.

And Madness continued to count: ...
'seventy nine, eighty, eighty one...'

By this time, all the vices and virtues were already hidden - except Love. For undecided as Love is, he could not decide where to hide. And this should not surprise us, because we all know how difficult it is to
hide Love.
Madness:
'...ninety five, ninety six, ninety seven...'

Just when Madness got to one hundred......... Love jumped into a rose bush where he hid. And Madness turned around and shouted:
'I'm coming, I'm coming!'

As Madness turned around, Laziness was the first to be found, because Lazines s had no energy to hide. Then he spotted Tenderness in the horn of the moon, Lie at the bottom of the lake and Passion at the centre of
the earth.

One by one , Madness found them all - except Love . Madness was getting desperate, unable to find Love. Envious of Love, Envy whispered to Madness:
'You only need to find Love and Love is hiding in the rose bush.'

Madness grabbed a wooden pitch fork and stabbed wildly at the rosebush. Madness stabbed and stabbed until a heartbreaking cry made him stop. Love appeared from the rose bush, covering his face with his hands.
Between his fingers ran two trickles of blood from his eyes. Madness, so anxious to find Love, had stabbed out Love's eyes with a pitch fork.

'What have I done! What have I done!'
Madness shouted.
'I have left you blind! How can I repair it?'

And Love answered:

'You cannot repair my eyes. But if you want to do something for me, you can be my guide.'

And so it came about that from that day on, Love is blind and is always accompanied by Madness.