BULLFROGS & BL@W JOBS

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give bl@wjobs!'

'Bl@w jobs!' the woman replied.

It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more bl@w jobs for her!

She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off! .  

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone.'

I think i should apologise...
My apologies for all the sexist jokes that i have pasted here and also for the others that are coming.
If any wg feels that punishment befits me then all im gona say is 'Go ahead! Make my day!!!!'
Ps: im in capetown and available until monday morning... Wink wink

Lol apology accepted, now you may continue

CREDIT CRUNCH TIPS


- DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite
tune and hum it. If you want to 'switch tracks', simply think of
another song you like and hum that instead.

¡¤ SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by
changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741GP,

¡¤ DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand
closer to the object you wish to view.

¡¤ SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house
and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

¡¤ DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid
having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin
bags along with your old bank statements.

¡¤ OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books,
simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

¡¤ SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The
following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking
a thimble-full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly
on the wall.

¡¤ SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to
the hospice shop, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them
back for fifty cents.

¡¤ MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of
toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make
humbugs.

¡¤ SHOPPERS, when buying oranges and bananas, get more for your money by
peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest
on a parrot.

' Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn
you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking
shot after shot. The Indian man said to the American, 'You know my
parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl
from a village whom I haven't even met once.' We call this arranged
marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told
them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.' The
American said, talking about love marriages.... I'll tell you my
story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years.
'After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter
and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my
father's
father-in-law. Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my
grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my
father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when
my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother is my grandson.
Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own
grandson.. And you say you have family problems... The Indian fainted¡­

Lmao!! Thats hilarious!!

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp??
Well he opened up a WHAREHOUSE

> > Three men a philosopher, a
> mathematician and an idiot, were out
> > riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before
> anyone knows it,
> > the three men found themselves standing before
> the pearly gates of
> > Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were
> standing nearby.
> >
> > 'Gentlemen,' the Devil started, 'Due to
> the fact that Heaven is now
> > overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit
> the number of
> > people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a
> question which I
> > don't know or cannot answer, then
> you're worthy enough to go to
> > Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to
> Hell.'
> >
> > The philosopher then stepped up, 'OK, give me the
> most comprehensive
> > report on Socrates' teachings,' With a snap
> of his finger, a stack of
> > paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher
> read it and
> > concluded it was correct.
> > 'Then, go to Hell!' With another snap of his
> finger, the philosopher
> > disappeared.
> >
> > The mathematician then asked, 'Give me the
> most complicated formula
> > you can ever think of!' With a snap of his
> finger, another stack of
> > paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician
> read it and
> > reluctantly agreed it was correct. 'Then, go to
> Hell!' With another
> > snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared,
> too.
> >
> > The idiot then stepped forward and said, 'Bring
> me a chair!' The
> > Devil brought forward a chair. 'Drill 7 holes on
> the seat.' The Devil
> > did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair
> and let out a very loud
> > fart. Standing up, he asked, 'Which hole did
> my fart come out from?'
> >
> > The Devil inspected the seat and said, 'The third
> hole from the
> right.'
> > 'Wrong,' said the idiot, 'it's from
> my ass hole.'
> >
> > And the idiot went to Heaven.

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an
hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given
five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of
nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just
say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true,
unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not
thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on
a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying 'Go to hell.' (edited)
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several
times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man
asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.