A toast to ...

Nipples.

Why??

Because without them , titties are pointless...

;-)

I went to visit a psychiatrist today. She told me I have a split-personality and she charged me $160 for her consultation fee

I only paid her $80 and told her she can go get the rest of her money from the other idiot!

A blonde girl calls her neighbor and says "come over here I have a difficult puzzle that I can not solve, can you come over and help me?" So the neighbour comes and says: ik wat is the puzzle supposed to be when it is finished?". The girl says "according to the box it is supposed to be a red rooster when it is finished"

The man takes a look at the box and the pieces that are spread on the table and says: "well, we won't get anything even remotely resembling a red rooster from these pieces. Let's just relax, have a cup of coffee and let's put the cornflakes back in the box"

A man suspects his wife is cheating on him. He tells her he's leaving for work, but in the hopes of catching her, returns about 20 minutes later. He finds his wife on the bed writhing and naked. He then hears a door shut that he thinks may have been her lover leaving. He runs to the balcony off the dining room of their 3rd floor apartment and sees a man running as he's putting his shirt on. Assuming that must be his wife's lover, the man flies into a fit of rage, runs into the kitchen and picks up the refrigerator, carries it to the balcony, and throws it over the railing, where it landed on the suspected lover killing him instantly. The husband, having over-exerted himself with not only his anger but throwing the fridge off the balcony suddenly keels over dead of a heart attack.

Standing at the gates of heaven, St. Peter is questioning the new entrants. He asks the first man, "Why are you here?" The man replied "I was carrying a fridge, I had a heart attack and died." St. Peter said "You may enter." and stepped aside

The next man stepped up and St. Peter questioned him as to why he was trying to enter the gates of heaven. St. Peter again said, "Why are you here?" The man says "I was late for work and as I ran out of my apartment building to catch a cab a refrigerator landed on me and killed me." St. Peter replied " You may enter." and stepped aside.

A third man stepped up and St. Peter asked the man, "And why are you here my son?" The man shyly replied "Well, I was sittin' in this refrigerator minding my own business..."

Not a joke but a quote and had me laughing most heartily

"...Farts come from no one and nowhere; they are anonymous emanations that belong to the group as a whole, and even when every person in the room can point to the culprit, the only sane course of action is denial."
-Paul Auster

The family has gathered to celebrate wheelchair-bound Granny's 90th birthday. Alice sees the old lady slumped forward and rushes over to set her upright. A little while later Jack sees Granny leaning precariously to the left, so he gallantly sits her up again.
Harold, Granny's favourite grandson arrives late and goes straight over to the old woman, takes her in his arms, lifting her slightly as he does so and kissing her on the mouth. "I love you, Granny." He says softly.
Granny sighs deeply and says: "I'm so glad you're here, Harry darling! The other bastards wouldn't let me fart!"

A teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect, for which I am eternally grapefruit.



HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahhahaha......something like that distressing massage being spoken about on this forum as opposed to the destressing one...


Hahahahahahhahahahahhahahaha!!!!

Lololol that's funny

On 2019-07-22 10:30:31 J_69 said:
A guy goes to the supermarket one day. He's doing his shopping when he notices an attractive young woman waving at him.She comes over and says hi to him.

He's taken aback because he can't think where he knows her from. So he asks her, "Do you know me?"

She replies, "Yes, I think you're the father of one of my kids."

The guy's mind is whirring now and it travels back to the only time he's ever been unfaithful to his wife. He asks the woman, "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly replies, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

I'm dying here...lol

A man asks his buddy for a cigarette.
His friend quips, "I thought you made a New Year's resolution and that you don't smoke."
The man replied, "I'm in phase one of quitting."
Confused, his friend asked, "Phase one?"
The man laughed, "Yes. I've quit buying."