Double post deleted

This joke is lingist. Sorry.
The difficulty of being bilingual

A Boer goes to see an English speaking lawyer in order to start divorce
proceedings.
The lawyer asks him, 'May I help you?'
The Boer says, 'Ja. I would like to have a divorce.'
The lawyer asks him, 'Do you have any grounds?'
The Boer says, 'Ja. I got 600 hektyres.'
The lawyer says, 'Sir, you don't understand. Do you have a suit?
The Boer says, 'Ja. Of course I got a suit. I wore it to church on
Sundays.'
The lawyer says, 'Ahmm. No, what I mean sir, is, do you have a case?'
The Boer says proudly, 'Now let me tell you, that are not good trackers.
I got two John Deeres.'
The lawyer is beginning to sweat. 'Sir. Do you have a grudge?'
The Boer's also a bit irritated by now. 'Ja. I of course I got a grudge.
That's where I park the bakkie.'
The lawyer, sighing, asks, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?'
The Boer says, 'No, we both get up at 04:30.'
By now the lawyer is getting really frustrated, but tries one last
question 'Does your wife nag? Is she a nagger?'
The Boer says, 'No, SHE'S white. But our last child is a nagger. That's
why I wants to get a divorce.'

The thing about a dumb question is:



1. When people see you lying down, with your eyes closed they still ask:
- Are you sleeping?
- What’s your answer?
- No! I’m training to die

2. Imagine when you take an electronic equipment to a technician to get it
fixed and he still asks you:
- need to be fixed?
- No, it got bored of staying home alone so I brought It over for a ride.

3. When It’s raining and someone notices you going out, they ask:
- Are you going out on this rain?
- No, with the next one.

4. When you wake up, then comes an idiot asking you:
- You Awake?
- No. Going back to bed!

5. Your friend calls your home:
- Where are you?
- At news café! I brought my House over!

6. They see you wet coming from the bathroom:
- Did you bath?
- No, I swam!

7. You are standing right in front of the elevator from the ground floor and
they ask:
- Going up?
- No, no, I am waiting for my apartment to come get me.

8. Your boyfriend comes to your house with a bunch of flowers. And you still
ask him:
- Flowers?
- No baby! Carrots.

9. You’re in the toilet when someone nocks on the door asking:
- Is anyone in there?
- No! The Sh!t is talking to you!

10. You head straight to the bank with a cheque ready to get money:
-Then the lady asks you, In cash?
- No, In clips and plastics!

Now ain't that just silly!!!!!!

LOL BITTER SCHWEET SARCASM I LIKE I LIKE, I LOVE

Im glad you like it...

Test for Dementia


Below are four ( 4 ) questions
and a bonus question.
You have to answer them instantly.

You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately .

OK?!

Let's find out just how clever

you really are....

First Question :

You are participating in a race.

You overtake the second person.

What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that

you are first, then you are

absolutely wrong!

If you overtake the second person

and you take his place,

you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.

Now answer the second question,

but don't take as much time

as you took for the first question,

OK ?

Second Question :

If you overtake the last person,

then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you

are second to last,

then you are wrong again.

Tell me, how can you

overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are you?




Third Question :

Very tricky arithmetic!

This must be done in your head ONLY

Do not use paper & pencil

or a calculator.. Try it


Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 ... Now add 30 ..

Add another 1000 . .. Now add 20 .... Now add another 1000

Now add 10 ... What is the total?

Did you get 5000 ?


The correct answer is actually 4100.


If you don't believe it,


check it with a calculator!

Today is definitely not your day, is it?

Maybe you'll get the last question right....



Fourth Question :


Mary's father has five daughters:





1.Nana, 2.Nene, 3.Nini, 4.Nono.


What's the name of the fifth daughter?





Did you Answer Nunu?

NO .... Of course it isn't.


Her name is Mary.




Read the question again!

Okay, now the

Bonus Round :


A mute person goes into a shop

and wants to buy a toothbrush.

By imitating the action

of brushing his teeth

he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate

what he wants?




He just has to open his mouth and ask...

It's really very simple !


KEEP THIS GOING
TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!






Test for Dementia


Below are four ( 4 ) questions

and a bonus question.

You have to answer them instantly.

You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately .

OK?!

Let's find out just how clever

you really are....

First Question :

You are participating in a race.

You overtake the second person.

What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that

you are first, then you are

absolutely wrong!

If you overtake the second person

and you take his place,

you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.

Now answer the second question,

but don't take as much time

as you took for the first question,

OK ?

Second Question :

If you overtake the last person,

then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you

are second to last,

then you are wrong again.

Tell me, how can you

overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are you?




Third Question :

Very tricky arithmetic!

This must be done in your head ONLY

Do not use paper & pencil

or a calculator.. Try it


Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 ... Now add 30 ..

Add another 1000 . .. Now add 20 .... Now add another 1000

Now add 10 ... What is the total?

Did you get 5000 ?


The correct answer is actually 4100.


If you don't believe it,


check it with a calculator!

Today is definitely not your day, is it?

Maybe you'll get the last question right....



Fourth Question :


Mary's father has five daughters:





1.Nana, 2.Nene, 3.Nini, 4.Nono.


What's the name of the fifth daughter?





Did you Answer Nunu?

NO .... Of course it isn't.


Her name is Mary.




Read the question again!

Okay, now the

Bonus Round :


A mute person goes into a shop

and wants to buy a toothbrush.

By imitating the action

of brushing his teeth

he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate

what he wants?




He just has to open his mouth and ask...

It's really very simple !


KEEP THIS GOING
TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!

Subject: Top 4 adult jokes (18+)


Top Four Adult Jokes


Fourth Place :

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me..'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing
his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome
the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife co uld see at
once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put
my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'
'No, Bill.  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife
says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said.  'We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered.  'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.   'One's in your coffee and
the other is in your oatmeal

*
We always hear*

*'** the rules**'
**From
the female side.** *

* ** Now here are the rules from the male
side.** ** *


*
**These
are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1'
ON PURPOSE!** *



*1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem** **only** if you want help solving it. That's
what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted
two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the** **other
one** **

1.
You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just
do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you
have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus
did**NOT** need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have **no** idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it **will** be scratched. We do that.

1.
If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's
wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not
worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want
an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... **
Really** .**

1. Don't ask us what we're
thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or
** **golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1.. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.** **Round**IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight;
But
did you know men really don't mind that? It's like
camping.

The Meaty Bites Diet

I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Coles Supermarket and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food.
I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid woman...why else would I buy dog food??

The Pope and Jacob Zuma died on the same day and because of an
Administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Jacob Zuma went to
Heaven.
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and
after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. 'However',
the clerk explains, 'it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified'.

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Jacob Zuma coming down from heaven and
they stop to have a chat.

'Sorry about the mix up', apologizes the Pope.
'No problem' replied Jacob Zuma,

Pope: 'I am really anxious to get to heaven'
Zuma: 'Why is that?'
Pope: 'All my life I have wanted to meet the *Virgin* Mary'

Zuma: 'You're a day late'

and a dollar short... that 'Ho!

;-)))