So there I was. I took advice on this forum and found a dating site. The Angels sang, and the heavens rejoiced - there are woman out there looking for a good time - no strings attached. Tonight was the night; or as it turned out it was not the night.... Her husband was home early and our date was off. Fuck. That. But I was horny, it was 22:30, what should I do? Pull up ESA, and contact the

OH FUCK WHAT THE FUCK IS CRAWLING UP MY FUCKING LEG!!!!

(I was surprised too) clear the parktown prawn from my crotch, and carry on browsing ESA. Hmmmm, available now.... Fuck. That. Phones rang. Call something like 50 ladies; fuckall. This is my lot in life, I fail to plan and plan to fail. Call this one: www.sextrader.co.za/home.php. She is at her friends bar, doing some random shit - apparently I give a fuck enough to listen - can I meet her there. Where? At the bar, Riverbend Rd. Where is that? Down the road from Builders Warehouse of course. KK, thats fucking nice, but can I rather meet you at your house? Sure - phone me in 20 minutes.

I pause to mention that this lady was around the very bottom of my list, cause I read some stories.... Figure R500 for a bubble bath and some attention would be worth it - yes I'm that fucking lame, deal with it. Drive out; call her.

She is at her friends bar, doing some random shit - parently I give a fuck enough to listen - can I meet her there. Where? At the bar, Riverbend Rd. Where is that? Down the road from Builders Warehouse of course. KK, thats fucking nice, but can I rather meet you at your house? Sure - phone me in 20 minutes.

Deja Vu. All. Fucking. Over again. I let your magination fill in the blanks; this is what I said:

Listen up, I don't know that road. No, I don't know Builders Warehouse either, I don't fucking shop. Oh, you said BuildIT? Another one of the fucking shops I don't shop at that I just happen to not fucking shop at.... Cool Runnings? No, never been there? Should I look for an an Arie bobsled runner, with a fucking little egg and hit the first left? Yes, I thought it was funny - sorry you did not. Sorry, I don't know why I don't know where something is - maybe cause I never fucking been there? Thanks, I've got a parktown prawn in my lounge, under a jamtin - I'd rather fuck that....

Meanwhile, the phone rang, and Daniella www.sextrader.co.za/home.php was returning my call. I thought fuck it and called her back. Asked her some questions, cause I had no clue who she was, I called a lot of ladies - but I figured that I would only have called if she looked ok. Asked her how old she was - cause she sounds like a pompous white women, and I wanted her to spank the shit of me.... She replies, why? Why?!? Why - Don't fucking know? Perhaps cause I want to discuss Vietnam, and was hoping that you were present when it fucking went down??? OK 35 - fine Im there now.

Find the place OK - which is fucking rare - I have fuckall sense of direction and usually spend at least 2 hours getting lost. Happy and pump fist in the air. It's in Fourways, just down from Monte, in a boomed of area. Just say that you going to 55, and they let you in. If you mumble under your breath: 'Eks hier om te naai'; the guys lets you in anyway. Use it; don't use it.

House is behind a gate, you can park behind the wall, very discrete. Go in, meet Daniella . She is HOT. Was wearing fishnets, a little dress, and heels. Nice tits, nice ass. She's coloured - no mustache (if you're offended, then read my other reviews for context).... Around 35, perhaps, but perhaps older. I have to stress that she has a body that you would want to fuck....

'Daniel?' She asks. 'Yes I am he of which you speak', I reply. 'Huh?', she ponders. 'I am Daniel!', I repeat. 'I am Daniella', she replies. 'Pleased to meet you', I say: 'I had no idea who you were when I called'. 'I am Daniella' she repeats. 'Yes indeed, I'm Daniel'. 'Daniella'. 'KK, fine, you're Daniella'. 'I AM Daniella, if you saw my pictures you would see, although my ass was at a different angle'.

The fucking lights are on - but the gerbels are clearly piloting the ship.... Take note, the following will be tested later:

Me: I believe you, you protest too much....
Dan: I am Daniella! Sit down we need to wait. Do you want a drink?
Me: Yes please, whisky and water.
Dan: KK, come with me, but first you need to pay, take a seat.
Me: Um, alright - Ill just wait here...
Dan: Do you want a drink Warren?
Me: Yes, please, and it's Daniel, almost like you, but no 'A'...
Dan: I AM Daniella!
Me: I know, but I was saying I am...
Dan: Do you want a drink?
Me: Yes, Please, Whiskey and water...
Dan: KK come with me - but first pay!
Me: Pay who?
Dan: Oh, yeah, we need to wait, David. Would you like a drink? Take a seat...
Me: Yes, Whisky, please and its Daniel...
Dan: OK, lets go upstairs and get that - but first you need to take a seat and pay...

FUCK! IT! So I tell her, all I want is to spank each other, and shout my name. Thats it. Spank. My name. My name is her name - but for an A. Thats it. Spank. Shout. Her name - save the A.

So we go to the room, and she says: Darren, you want a drink? I was so fucking angry, but she finally got the beverage - I gulped mine down; she gulped my change, aka her drink. Had a shower, they were clean, but the towels were funky. Come out and shes on the bed wearing all that mentioned above. She was very keen to play and let me spank her. She then got some baby oil out, and lubed up her whole body. I rubbed my cock all over her as we took turns slapping each other around. It was fun. She has a nice ass, and nice tits. Eventually I fucked her tits and came on face, a bit. Then we chatted a bit. I asked for a blowjob, but she said that the time was up. I offered her 50% of the fee for as long as it took to give me head; but promised that it would not take longer than 30 minutes. She said no.

Now, I know. This is a business. But an extra half hour should be half of the usual fee - especially if I have already paid the hour; and especially if I explain that I could only draw R1000. Fuckall. Also noticed that she smelt like garlic? Ladies, please! A clove of garlic has health benefits for mice, and may taste really nice. Ladies are not mice, and your nice taste is an unpleasant smell for us....

So, for R600 I reckon that you could do worse. Problem is that you could do MUCH better! I am happy that I did not have to endure Ms. Miss-direction, but for R600 I could have been with a top ten lady, or Mandy for a bit more, or any women on this site for just a bit more. Would I go back? No. Honestly - all I wanted her to do was at least shout MY name. Not Warren, David, Jeff, and all the crap that she tried, and then maybe sneak in a reduced price blowjob. Attention to detail in this case made a potentially awesome experience relatively mundane - and it is sad.... Maybe if she lays of the happy juice and focuses on service, she could be fine indeed....

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lol Boss

that was the best fuckn thing i have read on this site

Glad you enjoyed it - if my reviews make even one person smile then it was worth writing :D BTW, just read it again, and I have to point out that my conversation with Ms MissDirection makes heavy use of some poetic license. My actual conversation did not use that exact language - my feelings and emotions were conveyed with the use of language. It's not cool to swear at ladies; even if they are rude and obnoxious :)

Dan - I thoroughly enjoyed this review too... keep it up!

Lmao!! Now THAT's a good review! (yes, we read them too :-))

This is the funniest shit I've read in a long time!

Great work Dan. I'm still laughing.