The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter.

In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes he explained that the company he owned was on the brink of collapse, due to years of bad business decisions. Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.

She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they made love, and this was the result of her investments. By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, “If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!”

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put £50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting
in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food
exceptional.

"Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs
back home. In Glasgow there's a little place called McTavish's. The landlord
goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will
buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red
Lion, the barman will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first
2."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman. "Back home
in Dublin there's the St. Patrick's Bar. The moment you set foot in the place
they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then
when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get
laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on
the Irishman's claims but he swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen
to you?"

"Not me myself, personally, no," said the
Irishman.

"But it did happen to my sister a few
times"

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"