That search for something more meaningful led to an affair with an office colleague.
She excited him. Made him smile. His eyes more seeing....searching the office for her.
The office meetings attended with zest and participation in office matters.
She was in his team and, it almost felt as if he wanted to impress her rather than "do his job".
They seemed to share the same interests and coffee breaks became work dinner dates.
And dinner dates became bedroom torrid affairs.

At home the woman he knew he loved began to fade in his everyday desire of wanting to be with his new found love chase and, guilt became non existent.

Until...until his wife found out.

He began to lose himself in the torture of what to do.

He tried therapy with one and promised the other he would sort himself out.

He just needed time, he told both of them.

He felt he loved his wife but, was in love with his work colleague and thus, off he flew putting distance between himself and the two, losing himself in a 3 month work contract thousands of km's away.

What he found, as time passed was, that he actually didn't need either and his mind cleared and steadfast and resolute about what he should do, he returned home .

Bang.

Back to square one.

And to run away from the heaviness of it all, he returned to punting.

An avid punter before the office affair.

He lost himself in fucking and fucking and fucking.

Chasing something .

And then one day... 9pm and needing something more than a fuck fix, not wanting to go home, he knocked on a door.

He had been eyeing her for a while.She claimed on her advert companionship was her thing and, he was desperate for that.

So he texted her. The appointment was made.

As she opened the door, his heart sank .

It was the one he felt he was "in love" with.

He simply stared at her and...she stared back at him.

"You do this????" He asked, more like a statement and stepped back as she reached out to him.

"Please ...please hear me out.." She said , desperation in her voice.

"No! And I fucked up my marriage for THIS??? YOU!!!"

His life flashed before his eyes as he stumbled away from her door.

He never got to see her again.

She resigned from her position and accepted a post with their main branch overseas.

Many years later he heard she had gotten married. Had 2 kids and her life looked like the life he had always hoped to have.
She looked happy.

He continued to plod. Continued to disappoint his wife and mostly, himself.

He wondered what would have been if he had heard the one he had been in love with that fateful night many many years ago.

RB.