I just thought that we should probably have a thread where jokes are posted...

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time."

"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis.... fifty times."

A guy walked into a bar one day and
said to the barman, "Give me six double
vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have
had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older
brother is gay."
The next day, the same guy came into
the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the
problem was today the answer came
back, "I've just found out that my
younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day, the guy came into the
bar and ordered another six double
vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus!
Doesn't anybody in your family like
women?"
The man downed the first drink and
shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy
restaurant for dinner. As he looks
around, he notices a diner being served
a beautifully garnished dish with two
gigantic meatballs in the middle. When
the waiter asks him for his order, the
man asks him about the meatball dish.
The waiter explains that the meatballs
are bull's testicles, and when the bull
loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to
the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is
made.
The diner tells the waiter
that he wants the bulls
testicles for dinner, but
the waiter tells him that
only one bull a day is
brought to the
restaurant, but he can
have it tomorrow. The
diner agrees. The next
day the diner goes to the restaurant,
and orders the testicle dish. When his
food is brought out, he notices that the
meatballs are extremely small. He
mentions this to the waiter, and the
waiter replies, ''Well sir you have to
understand, sometimes the bull wins''

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare
species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the
gorilla, a female, became very horny,
and difficult to handle. Upon
examination, the zoo veterinarian
determined the problem was that she
was in heat. What to do? There was no
male of this species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the
zoo administrators noticed Mike, an
employee responsible for cleaning the
animals' cages. Now Mike, it was
rumored, possessed ample ability to
satisfy any female, and he wasn't very
bright. So the zoo administrators
thought they might have a solution.
Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy
the female gorilla.
So he was
approached with
a proposition:
would he be
willing to screw
the gorilla for five
hundred bucks?
Mike replied that
he might be
interested, but
would have to think the matter over.
The following day, Mike announced that
he would accept their offer, but only
under three conditions:
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to
kiss her."
"Second, I want nothing to do with any
offspring that may result from this
union."
The zoo administration quickly acceded
to these conditions, but what could be
the third?
"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me
another week to come up with the five
hundred bucks."

hahahahahahahahahahaha i like them

A woman goes to see a psychiatrist.
“Doctor,” she says, “my husband just
doesn’t satisfy me sexually anymore.”
“Hmm,” replies the
doctor. “Have you
considered taking a
lover?”
“I did that,” she
says, “and I’m still
not getting enough sex to satisfy me.”
“How about taking another lover?”
“I keep trying that. I have seven lovers
plus my husband, but I still can’t seem
to get enough.”
“My goodness,” says the doctor, “you’re
quite an anomaly.”
“Oh, thank God,” says the woman. “Will
you please tell them I’m an anomaly?
They all keep calling me a slut.”

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil
Armstrong first walked on the moon, he
not only gave his famous "One small
step for man, one giant leap for
mankind," statement but followed it up
with several remarks to the other
astronauts and Mission Control.
Just before he re-entered the lander,
however, he made the enigmatic
remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a
remark concerning some rival Soviet
Cosmonaut.
However, upon checking, there was no
Gorsky in either the Russian or American
space programs. Over the years, many
people questioned Armstrong as to what
the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement
meant, but Armstrong always just
smiled.
On July 5, 1995 in Tampa, Florida, while
answering questions following a speech,
a reporter brought up the 26-year-old
question to Armstrong. This time he
finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally
died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could
answer the question.
Armstrong explained, "When I was a kid,
I was playing baseball with a friend in
the backyard. My friend hit a fly ball that
landed in the front of his neighbor's
bedroom windows. My neighbors were
Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to
pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky
shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You
want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when
the kid next door walks on the moon!"

How impressionable a young mind is ;-p

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At
the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and
tells him, ''Well, you've been such a
good guy, and your invention ... the
assembly line for the automobile
changed the world. As a reward, you
can hang out with anyone in Heaven
you want.'' Ford thinks to himself about
it, and says, ''I want to hang out with
God Himself.''
The
befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the
Throne Room, and introduces him to
God. Ford then asks God, ''When you
invented Woman, what were you
thinking?'' God asks, ''What do you
mean?'' ''Well,'' says Ford, ''You have
some major design flaws in your
invention:
1. There's too much front end protusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high
speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly need repainting, and
refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6
of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the
exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. fuel consumption is outrageous.
...just to name a few.'' ''Hmmm ...,''
replies God, ''Hold on a minute.'' God
goes over to the Celestial
Supercomputer, types in a few
keystrokes, and waits for the results. In
no time the computer prints out a
report, and God reads it. God then turns
to Ford, and says, ''It may be that my
invention is flawed, but according to
these statistics, more men are riding my
invention than yours."