Me: I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like: > "I'm tired." "I'm washing my hair." "I've got a headache." I am your sister-in-law. >> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >> A woman in labour is in pain and screaming profanities at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass, but N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt! >> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >> I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them ------ Me: A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born, "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said, "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier." >> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >> Dear Dr Phil: > I was watching my next door neighbour's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert or what? >> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >> A guy gets a call at work from the police telling him that his house had been robbed. > The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!" >
Me: Got this text from my brother recently. It read, "Can I stay at your house for a while? > The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. For what it's worth, it reaches all the way to the back of her sister's throat!" >> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >> Sorry for not calling you on New Year's, but I just got out of jail. I was locked up for punching the shit out of this idiot at a party. In my defence, when you hear an Arab counting down from 10 your instincts kick in. >> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >> My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I'm coming or going." > I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face you're going, because when you're coming you look like a fucking squirrel trying to whistle!" >... Me: I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. > Last night I fucked a girl named Penny. Is that spooky or what? >> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >> The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip, do you think about me?"> Apparently, "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly!" wasn't the right answer.

Lol.... good 1

Lol.. great ones

Lol... I'm not a copy machine

Brilliant !!!!!