With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros
and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good
advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected
mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Take note:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace
Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge
and become: ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell
Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin
when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and
didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?' She replied, 'Aye,
that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light
a candle for ye and yer hoosband.' She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'

They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs.
Donovan, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'

The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in
all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

An Australian farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and
stands at the foot of his bed next to his wife who is reading.

'Darling, this is the pig that I have sex with every time you have a
headache.' says the farmer.

'Honey, I do believe that's a sheep not a pig ...' says the wife.

'I wasn't talking to you.' says the farmer.

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She's chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden
she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams. 'Don't worry about that,'
says St. Peter, 'it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder
blades for wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. 'Oh my God,'says
the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit
the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go there,' says St. Peter. 'You'll be raped and sodomized.'

'Maybe so,' says the old lady, 'but I've already got the holes for that.'

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She
gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he
arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to
hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

'Are you the manager?' she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

'Actually, no,' the man replies. 'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to
him,' she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

'I'm afraid I can't,' breathes the bartender. 'Is there anything I can do?'

'Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,' she continues, slyly
popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them
gently.

What should I tell him?' the bartender manages to say. 'Tell him,' she
whispers, 'there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says 'I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man.' She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited.

She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.'
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel
like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?'

I then said 'honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman.' And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses.

The Captain looked in his book of record and said,

'But you just got a new pair last month!'

'Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident,' stammered the private.

'Accident, what kind of an accident?' The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries,

'Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?'

'No, no nothing of those...' said the private.

'Well then, what is it?'

'I'd rather not tell you sir...'

'Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses,' said the medical officer, ready to stand up,

'I've to see my patients now.'

'No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl,' blurted the private.

'Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl?'

'You see, she crossed her legs.....'

There is a factory in Eastern Wisconsinwhich that the Tickle Me Elmo toys. In case you didn’t know, the toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. “I’m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…”

“Your job was to give Elmo two test tickles.”

A rural family was given some venison from a friend. The wife carefully prepared deer steaks and served it to her husband and their children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what they were eating for dinner.

“Is is beef?” The daughter Julie asked.
“Nope.”

“Is it pork?” the son Will asked.
“Nope.”

“Heck, we don’t know, Dad!” Will exclaimed.

“I’ll give you a clue,” the Husband said, “It’s what your mom sometimes calls me.”

“Spit it out, Will!” cried Julie, “We’re eating Asshole!”

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

'Dear wife. You must realise that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband' When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: 'Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up.'